Woman's World - 008 Holiness in Marriage

Marriage Before and After Matan Torah [1]

Three days before matan Torah (the giving of the Torah), Hashem told the Jewish nation:[2] ‘Prepare yourselves for the third day, because in three days, Hashem will descend before the eyes of the entire nation upon the Mount Sinai…” The Jews received exact instructions how they should prepare themselves for matan Torah. One of the instructions was to separate from their wives. Married couples had to separate as if they were divorced. After matan Torah, Hashem told them[3], “Shuvu lechem l’ohaleichim” – return to your homes – as if they were remarried again.

Let’s imagine what occurred: A man we’ll call Yaakov, was married to a woman we’ll call Leah. Several years before matan Torah they were a standard and regular couple; everyone knew them simply as Yaakov and Leah, husband and wife.  Three days before matan Torah Hashem commanded all couples to separate, so Yaakov and Leah separated. After matan Torah, Hashem commanded all couples to return to their homes, so Yaakov and Leah returned to their home and to the marriage that they shared for so many years. 

Are Yaakov and Leah the same couple after matan Torah as they were before matan Torah? Externally, they appear to be the exact same couple as before. Despite the short separation interval, their marriage now seems to be an extension of their previous marriage. However, that is not the case. Now they are an entirely new couple.  Before matan Torah, they weren’t yet Jews[4] so after matan Torah they became a brand new couple – a Jewish couple.  Their new relationship wasn’t merely a continuation of their old marriage; rather it was a brand new beginning. 

How did their relationship change when they remained essentially the same people?  Which differences occurred from before matan Torah to after matan Torah? Before matan Torah they were a couple without Torah; after matan Torah, they were a couple with Torah. A marriage without Torah and a marriage with Torah are two entirely different marriages.

“Shuvu lechem l’ohaleichem, Return to your home” they are told. They will be returning to a new home with Torah. A home without Torah compared to a home with Torah is a greater distance than the distance from heaven to earth! How is a marriage from before matan Torah different from a marriage after matan Torah? What are the differences between non-Jewish marriages and Jewish marriages?

When a non-Jew wants to marry a woman, he doesn’t go under the chuppah and he doesn’t say to the bride, “Harei at mikudeshes li k’das moshe v’Yisrael (Behold you are married to me according to the laws of Moshe and Yisrael).”[5] So how does a non-Jew marry his wife, and how did marriages occur before matan Torah? The Rambam[6] tells us: “Before matan Torah… if they wanted to marry each other, he would bring her into his house and live with her, and that is how they would become married.” Their marriage was created in a very flimsy and superficial manner. If eventually they discovered they did not “get along” with each other, he simply told her that the “marriage” was over. What began on a superficial level can likewise be terminated easily. 

How does a man marry a woman after matan Torah? He gives her a ring under the chuppah and he says: “Harei at mikudeshes li k’das Moshe v’Yisrael.” He marries her “according to the laws of Moshe and Yisrael.” The connection between them is a connection of Torah. If, later, he desires to divorce, he cannot simply ask her to leave his house. He must prepare witnesses and a scribe to write a divorce document (get) written according to halachah. Only after these halachic conditions are fulfilled can the get be given to the woman for the divorce to take effect.

Before matan Torah a man married his wife in an instant and, similarly, she was divorced in an instant. After matan Torah, a man marries his wife according to the laws of the Torah. The connection between husband and wife is now a perfect and complete connection with the halachic requirements and steps of marriage of kiddushin, chuppah, nesuin. Now, bound by Torah law, it is much more difficult to separate.

A get is required to separate them, because the get represents the area where there is no more Torah. Their connection to each other came from the Torah, they can only be divided with a get, which represents the absence of Torah. 

It is written:[7] “Why is the divorce document referred to as a get? Because the two letters which spell get (gimel and tes) are never found together in any word in the entire Torah.”

The two letters of get (gimel and tes) which never come together in the entire Torah signifies that the reason for their separation was because there was no Torah in their marriage. A marriage that is built upon the Torah is a marriage where the connection is true and deep, and therefore can endure forever. A marriage which was built without Torah is a weak connection, and therefore doesn’t necessarily endure forever.

Every marriage that ends in a divorce is a sign that there wasn’t Torah in their marriage. Sometimes it is the husband who is lacking Torah, sometimes it is the wife. This explains the divorces that occurred among the great scholars of history. Although the great scholars themselves had Torah, if their wives were lacking Torah, their marriage would be fragile and sometimes dissolved in a divorce. 

This should not be confused with or compared to the separation that occurred between Moshe Rabbeinu from his wife. Moshe Rabbeinu’s separation is based on an entirely different concept. Chazal tell us[8]: “There are three things Moshe Rabbeinu did on his own and Hakadosh Baruch Hu agreed with him that he performed correctly…” One of these three things was his separation from his wife, Tzippora. Unlike other prophets, who only received their prophecy after they sanctified and prepared themselves, Moshe Rabbeinu was continuously prepared and ready for prophecy, and therefore he needed to separate from his wife, because he never knew when the next prophecy would come. Chazal[9] tell us that Moshe Rabbeinu was human from the waist downward, and a G-dly being from the waist upwards. Moshe Rabbeinu, therefore, had to separate from his wife, because he was above the levels of regular human beings.

The Spiritual Connection

There is only one “entity” which can bring two different things together to become one.

It has never happened that two different species of animals have merged together and become like one.  Never have two mountains connected and became like one, nor have two stars ever combined.  So how is it that two people, so different from each other, can join together and become like one in marriage?

Hakadosh Baruch Hu combines two opposite people in marriage to become one. They are united through the Torah.

“Histakel b’oraysa u’bara alma.” Hakadosh Baruch Hu looked at the Torah [and through it] created the world. [10] The Shamayim (the heaven), the earth, the waters, and all of mankind were all created from the Torah. Two aspects of creation will only unite when we utilize the “utensil” which created them. There, at their source, they can merge together and become one. If we do not utilize the “utensil” which created them in order to unite them, then not only will they be shnayim ‘two’, but they will also be shonim, ‘different’. They will be two entirely different beings, unable to unite.

Revealing Hashem’s Honor in this World

How are two people united by the Torah? The possuk says:[11] “Everyone who is called by My Name and whom I have created for My glory, whom I have fashioned, even perfected.” The world, with everything within it, was created for Hakadosh Baruch Hu’s honor to be revealed. A chair, a table, a chandelier, a house, a closet, and a fork all have one purpose: to reveal Hashem’s honor in the world.  How much more so does a marriage based on Torah reveal Hashem’s honor in this world.

The world was created from the four basic elements:[12] fire, air, water, and earth. Everything that exists in creation is derived from these four elements. Males were created from water, and females were created from fire; this explains why they are so different from one another.

It is impossible for fire and water to unite. Either the fire will evaporate the water, or the water will extinguish the fire. Since the husband is water and the wife is fire, they should also be unable to unite. If the husband’s role in the marriage is more prominent, then his element of water should extinguish and dissipate the wife’s position in the marriage, since she comes from fire. If the wife’s element of fire is stronger in the relationship, then her personality should evaporate and dissolve her husband’s water element.  How then do they join together in peace and harmony in marriage? Following the basic laws of nature, they shouldn’t be able to unite and become like one. 

There is only one place where fire and water unite in kedusha, in holiness, and that is in shamayim, in heaven. Shamayim has within it the words aish (fire) and mayim (water) because the heavens were created from the combination of fire and water. As Chazal taught:[13] [14] “Hakadosh Baruch Hu mixed fire and water and created from them the heavens.”

It appears that the only place where the couple can unite and become like one is in shamayim, where the element of fire and water unite. In this world, however, it seems impossible for them to unite.

It seems that only after their death, when they are buried in their graves and their souls ascend to heaven can they exist together without fighting and competing. But how can a husband and wife unite in this world, where fire and water are polar opposites?

A Husband Must Honor His Wife

We will answer this question by raising another question. The Gemara asks: [15] “What is the proper behavior of a husband in his home? He should love his wife as much as he loves himself and he should honor his wife more than he honors himself”.

It is understood that the husband must love his wife, but why must he honor her? What is the source and reason for the honor?  Generally, when people honor others (from the false viewpoint of this world) they honor their external qualities. They honor their wealth, their appearance, their expensive clothing, etc. To honor someone for their internal qualities is to honor their essence and neshamah[16] which is the true form of honor.

We are obligated to honor parents, rabbanim, talmidei chachamim, and, obviously, we are obligated to honor Hashem, but why must a husband honor his wife? 

A husband is not obligated to honor his wife because of her physical body; rather he must honor her because of her neshamah. A husband must honorhis wife yoser m’gufo – more than his own body, because of his wife’s holy neshamah.

Every person is a mixture of body and soul, guf and neshamah.  Everyone has a neshamah, as it is written: V’yipach b’apov nishmas chayim,[17] (Hashem blew into his nostrils the neshamah of life). Everyone also has a body as it is written:  V’yitzer es ha’adom afar min ha’odamah[18] (Hashem created man out of earth from the ground). It is his neshamah which is called kovod, as it is written (in reference to the neshamah): “L’maan yizamercha kovod”,[19] ‘…my [kovod] neshamah should praise you.

The honor that the husband must give his wife is for her neshamah, for her pnimiyus and inner qualities, and not for her external qualities.

Spiritual Clothing for Honor

Nevertheless, there are a few instances where the Torah refers to the externals as a basis for honor. Reb Yochonon would call his clothing michabdusah (my honor) because his clean and respectable clothing brought him honor.[20] The four garments of the Cohen Hedyot (regular Cohen) and the eight garments of the Cohen Godol (High Priest) are also referred to in the Torah as:[21] “l’kovod v’litifores” ‘for honor and glory.’

Do these sources indicate that there are times when we should honor externals as well, and not only the pnimiyus (the inner neshamah and qualities)? The answer is that even in these instances it is not really the clothing that is being honored, rather it is the neshamah and inner qualities that the garments are revealing and representing. 

The word begadim, usually translated as ‘clothing,’ can also be translated as rebellious and sinful. The very first garments were created from sin. Adam Harishon rebelled against Hakadosh Baruch Hu and ate from the eitz hada’as[22], the Tree of Knowledge.  Hakadosh Baruch Hu made kosnos or for them, clothing made from animal hides, to cover their bodies. Adam not only rebelled against Hakadosh Baruch Hu, he also rebelled against his wife. When Hashem asked him why he ate from the eitz hada’as, he replied ‘the wife that You gave to me gave me from the tree and I ate’. Chazal tell us that this was being kofoi tova (unappreciative).[23] Hashem gave him a wife, and now he is blaming her for his sins. After he sinned, the Gemara[24]teaches that he separated from his wife for 130 years. His clothing, therefore, was a representation of sin and rebellion.

But there is another form of clothing which isn’t the result of rebellion and sin. There is clothing which, rather than concealing the neshamah, openly reveals the greatness of the neshamah. When Reb Yochonon called his clothing michabdusah, he was referring to this type of clothing. The honor that this clothing generates is the honor of the neshamah.

Did Adam and Chava wear clothing before their sin? Do neshomos in Gan Eden wear clothing? There is a spiritual form of clothing, which is worn in Gan Eden. Chazal explain[25] that in Reb Meir’s sefer Torah, kosnos ohr was written with an alef instead of an ayin (denoting clothing of a spiritual light instead of clothing made from animal hides). Before the sin Adam and Chava wore the clothing with an alef, a clothing made from a spiritual light. After the sin they wore clothing with an ayin, made from animal hides. When the neshamah is shining, the clothing are also light and radiant and can be called michabdusah, because the honor of the neshamah is revealed through the clothing. However, when the light of the neshamah is hidden, then the word is written with an ayin, alluding clothing which conceals the light of the neshamah.

Only the neshamah and the pnimiyus are worthy of honor and respect. The externals, at best, reveal and help us recognize the spirituality that is within, but they are never the source for honor.

Marriage Based on the Neshamah

Based upon these principles we can understand a simple, yet wonderful, idea.

We’ve discussed how the husband and wife are opposites from one another; how one is water and the other is fire, and that water and fire cannot unite in this world. Since their bodies were created from the earth of this world, it seems impossible for them to unite. However, the husband and wife also have a neshamah, and the neshamah comes from Shamayim where water and fire can unite.

If the couple views their union from a purely external, physical perspective, that he is water and she is fire, they will never be able to join and get along with one another. However, if they live spiritually; if he is living with his neshamah, and she is living with her neshamah, and he honors her because of her neshamah which comes from heaven, then they can live together in peace and harmony.

These concepts reveal the secret of and path to shalom bayis. It also reveals how Torah can unite the husband and wife in marriage; because Torah also comes from heaven.  As it is written:[26] “min hashamayim hishmiyacha es kolo l’yasreka, (From heaven He caused you hear His voice)”. When Moshe Rabbeinu ascended Har Sinai[27] to receive the Torah, the holy angels pleaded to Hakadosh Baruch Hu: “Give your Torah to the heavens,” because Torah is from heaven.

When people bring Torah into their marriage they bring honor for the neshamah into the marriage as well.    Without Torah, their relationship will consist only of their physical bodies – matter from this world – where fire and water can never combine. As it says in the passuk[28] “V’yitzar es ha’odom afer min ha’adomah – Hashem created man from the earth of the ground.” V’yitzer (created) is written with two ‘yuds’ because man was created with two elements:  one creation is good (spiritual) and the other creation is bad (non-spiritual). When the husband is living a material life, and the wife is only involved with the physical, the result of this home will be divorce.

These concepts are alluded to in the Kaddish: “Oseh shalom b’mromov” Hashem who makes peace in Shamayim and enables fire and water to coexist there, Hu yaaseh shalom aleinu, He should make peace in This World as well and enable fire and water, husband and wife to live together in peace and harmony.

Now we understand the difference between marriages that took place before matan Torah to marriages after matan Torah.Before matan Torah the marriages were without Torah, without neshamah, without an aspect of Shamayim.  After matan Torah, the marriages are with Torah, with neshamah and with an aspect of Shamayim.Now it is possible for them to live with spirituality in their home, and to unite their two opposing natures in marriage.

Practical Advice

We live in a world of actions. In this world of action, when a husband marries a wife, he is usually striving to garner physical gains, either her beauty or her wealth.  Rarely is the husband seeking spirituality. If we would suggest a shidduch (proposed marriage partner) to someone and tell him that she is very holy woman, with a holy neshamah, only she is lame, blind, or deaf, he might want to marry her in Gan Eden, but not here. In This World of action, he wants a healthy wife.

In This World, when a man marries a woman, what connects them? What unites them? If it is the external body which is creating their connection, then their love is an incomplete love; dependent upon external factors. Therefore, their love will eventually terminate.  But when the connection and love is to the neshamah, to her inner dimensions and qualities, then their love is called a perfect love which isn’t dependent upon any externalities, and the love can endure and connect them forever.  (Obviously, we are not excluding the physical dimension, because every neshamah needs a body to contain it – but the primary connection should be based upon pnimiyus.)

How We Lead our Life

The manner in which a person leads his life is how he will conduct his marriage. When a person leads a spiritual life outside his home, he will live spiritually within his home as well. It never happens that a true, spiritual person outside the home suddenly becomes materialistic and distant from spirituality when he enters his home. Similarly, if a person leads a materialistic life outside his home, it will be impossible for him to suddenly become a spiritual person the moment that he enters into his home.

The way he lives his life outside the home is also how he will connect to his wife within the home. If his mind and actions throughout the day are constantly and solely occupied with materialistic matters, he will be unable to change his skin and suddenly become a different person once he gets back home. As the possuk[29] says: “Hayahapoch kushi oro, can a black man [simply] change his skin and become white?” He will remain the very same person, and his connection with his spouse will be a physical and external connection, and ultimately unsatisfying.

However, if he lives with spirituality and pnimiyus throughout the day, and if he is interested in concepts which are beyond the physical, then he will be able to attach and connect to the spirituality of his wife. If their relationship never transcends beyond the physical and external, he may desire to divorce her if the physical and external gains are insufficient for his desires. As the Gemara writes:[30] “Even if the wife once burnt his food, the husband has permission to divorce her”.  If their entire connection is from the guf and externalities, then when the externals are not up to his liking, he may opt for divorce.

There is plenty of advice and counsel available to help people enhance their shalom bayis.  While the advice is often helpful, it is superficial, because it only goes as far as solving the symptoms of the problem, without getting to the root. Sometimes counseling reveals that the marriage is not as bad as they thought it was, and therefore it is not advisable for them to divorce. 

Sometimes, the (superficial) advice is: “Permit your spouse to have his/her way, because that will give you peace of mind, and ultimately you will only gain. If you will give in to their requests, they will give in to yours”. Sometimes the (superficial) advice may be to tell the couple that, technically, they really should divorce, but because of their specific circumstances, they should remain married. So they remain in the marriage like two prisoners in jail.

However, there is a solution which can annul the problem at its source. Living spiritually will improve the marriage. A true Jewish home with perfect shalom bayis shouldn’t begin with finding practical advice to enhance the peace in the home. Shalom bayis should begin with the spouse working on himself.  When he improves himself and he finds the peace and tranquility within himself, then he will be able to bring these aspects of inner self into the marriage and build a bayis ne’eman b’Yisrael.

Finding Pnimiyus within Ourselves First

A father came to the Steipler Gaon and said that a shidduch was proposed to his daughter, and he wants to know whether they should accept it. The Steipler asked: “What did you hear about the boy?” “He learns a lot,” the father replied, “and he is calm and doesn’t get into arguments with anyone”. The Steipler replied: “If he doesn’t fight with his shtender, that doesn’t mean that he will be able to get along with a wife.”

For a person to be able to get along with others, he has to find his pnimiyus. Every person must first make shalom bayis with himself, and then he can have shalom bayis with his wife.

If he yearns for spirituality, and he connects to his pnimiyus which exist beyond his body’s limits, and he knows himself deeply, and he has inner spiritual satisfaction in his life, then when this person comes to his home, he will seek a connection with his spouse from this deep place he has found within himself, which will endure forever.

Guf v’guf cannot unite; neshamah v’neshamah can build a very deep relationship. Like Iyov’s[31] three close friends who felt Iyov’s pain from a distance, and went to visit him, likewise, a neshamah v’neshamah relationship is a very close and deep relationship.

All relationships between two people are based either on the external connecting with external, or pnimiyus connectingwith pnimiyus. A physical connection is a connection for a short interval and cannot endure. The pnimiyus connection is a strong and firm connection and one is able to build a bayis ne’eman b’Yisrael upon its firm foundation.

Now we understand the concept that we began with earlier.  A home where there is Torah is a home with shalom bayis and a deep and true relationship, whereas a home without Torah is a home lacking in true connection.

A Home Based on Emunah

If we want to build a bayis ne’eman b’yisrael, then the house must be ne’eman.  Ne’eman means something that can be relied on.  Chazal teach[32] that the word ne’eman comes from the same root as emunah, belief, because when one believes in something he can rely and build upon it.

Before matan Torah, it was impossible to build an everlasting relationship, because Yisrael did not yet exist, and therefore, it wasn’t a Jewish marriage.  However, after matan Torah,amongst the Jewish nation, relationships based on  neshamah with neshamah, a connection of pnimiyus with pnimiyus, could finally exist, and an everlasting bayis ne’eman b’Yisrael could be created.

If one desires to build a bayis ne’eman b’Yisrael, a marriage which will endure forever, he must grow internally and develop within himself spiritual yearnings. He must develop a lifestyle for Torah, for giving, for love, for eternal life and for an inner connection with Hakadosh Baruch Hu.  The superficial advice which is often available will not help him, because it is the overall goal and direction of his life that requires improvement, not just the small details.

As long as a person hasn’t developed his pnimiyus, his focus will be on his guf and he will never be able to build a proper Jewish home. However, when a person connects to his pnimiyus he will be able to build a bayis ne’eman b’Yisrael. He is not worried about what is happening with his spouse when he is not around, because he will always be certain that the other side is faithful to him with their entire heart. When a person merits living with his pnimiyus, he lives like a Jew who has a neshamah. He becomes a person for whom the most important things are Torah, ruchniyos, love for every Jew, to every person, and a deep connection with Hakadosh Baruch Hu.  He becomes a person who cares about every creation of Hakadosh Baruch Hu, and he tries to help them. He becomes a person who desires and yearns for the revelation of Hashem in the world. When this person will find a wife with similar ambitions, they will have ahava, achva shalom v’reus[33](love, brotherhood, peace and friendship).

There are many practical ways that a person can bring spirituality and pnimiyus into his life, and his marriage. There are two primarily deeds which men[34] must fulfill daily in order to lead a spiritual life. The first is to learn Torah in depth, every day.

The Torah is everything and all encompassing. Histakol b’oraysa u’bara almah, Hashem looked into the Torah and created the world, because the Torah is everything, while the mitzvos are individual lights of spirituality. Therefore, Torah is primary for bringing spirituality into one’s life.

The second aspect that a person must practice daily to bring spirituality into his life is to designate an hour daily for contemplation. He must set aside a quiet hour every day to ask himself the major questions of life, such as: What is the purpose of the world? Who is he and what is his personal purpose in the world? There are several other ways to live spiritually, and often they will vary from person to person. Everyone should have fixed times for Torah study and daily time for contemplations.

Becoming spiritual may appear difficult and time consuming, but when we consider how much we benefit from living spiritually, we will realize that it is well worth the effort. 

People are willing to pay tens of thousands of dollars to solve a shalom bayis problem. Wouldn’t it be worthwhile to invest in spirituality, and in finding themselves beforehand, and  save themselves from all this trouble? 

If someone has a serious arm ailment, he is prepared to pay a lot of money to save his arm. If someone needs $130,000 for a liver transplant, he will find a way to raise the money and pay for the transplant, regardless whether he is rich or poor. When a person considers these matters, he should ask himself, if I am prepared to spend so much money for my guf, how much should I invest to save my soul, to save my neshamah?

When there is a partnership, they share and divide fifty-fifty. The guf and neshamah are partners. How much does he invest in the guf and how much does he invest for the neshamah? Just as he understands that he must invest in the needs of the guf he must also invest in the needs of the neshamah. When he invests in his neshamah and learns to live spiritually, he will have a spiritual home. When he unites with his wife, it will be a connection of neshamah with neshamah, a spiritual connection, and together they will merit to build a bayis ne’eman b’Yisrael.