Getting to Know Your Children - 01 Solid Foundation for Children

An Approach to Education Based Purely on the Words of our Sages

A subject that is of great concern today is the education of our children.  Except for a few isolated laws in the Shulchan Aruch (Code of Jewish Law), there is no complete chapter about educating children.  Among the works of our Sages, although many topics are addressed, there has not been much written specifically about education.  The dearth of clear sources has led to error and misunderstanding.  Many people get involved in this field without first establishing a strong foundation in Torah sources.

As Jews, whenever we want to clarify an area, we don’t rely solely on logic and the experience of experts. We try to understand our tradition from earlier generations and to find its roots in the Torah, starting with the Chumash (Five Books of Moses) and continuing to the words of our Sages and the later commentaries.  We will try to clarify the ideas based on the words of our holy Sages.  This is the only way to understand how we should conduct ourselves on a daily basis.

The Bridge between the Educator and the Student

The first and primary rule of education is that there are two sides – the teacher and the student.  That means that there must also be a bridge between them so that the teacher can reach the student.

For example, when you want to pour a liquid from one bottle to another, if you try to pour directly, some liquid will inevitably spill.  You need a funnel – a vessel with a wide opening at one end and a narrow one at the other – in order to transfer the liquid successfully. 

There is a large gap between the emotional and intellectual maturity level of parents and of children.  To accommodate this differential, there must be a kind of funnel that will serve as a bridge between the two sides, so that the teacher’s message can reach the student. (It is impossible for any quality, behavior, or positive attribute that is not present in the teacher to be transmitted to a student, so the first condition of education must be the personal development of the teacher.  We are not dealing with that crucially important issue here.  Our words are geared toward a teacher who has transcended that stage and already perfected himself in the area he is trying to convey, or at least is working towards it.)

The Basis for Transmission

What is the nature of this “funnel” we are referring to that enables us to educate our children since one cannot transmit ideas through thought alone?  There appears to be only two ways to convey concepts to a student: (1) action, through personal example, and (2) words, by verbally explaining the concept to the student.  Because of the gap between the broad understanding of the adult and the narrow understanding of the child, there must be a connecting bridge between the two.  If the parents’ mentality was geared more closely to the child’s, there would be no problem, but to the extent that there is a difference between them –especially with older parents – there is a considerable chasm between the mature and childish ways of thinking. If parents communicate via their mature style of conversation, this would be like trying to pour a huge amount of water into a small cup. The child will not understand what they are talking about, and the parent will have no idea why he is not communicating effectively. 

Since this is so important, it must be emphasized again.  In general, when we think about education, the main focus is on the content which, while it is essential, doesn’t diminish the vital importance of the medium through which the content is conveyed. If you try to transfer water through a leaky pipe, much of the water will be lost. If there is no pipe, the water will not get there at all. From this we see that a primary principle of education is the means of communication which is the bridge that it is given over with. Only when the medium is firmly established can we then consider the content.  With that in mind, we will first describe the bridge and the way to build it, and only after that, the content of the education itself.  

Natural and Conditional Love for Children

The Gemara[2]says that one should teach his students using brevity. The Chazon Ish commented that we may apply here, also, the principle that a short path may really be a long one, and a long path might really be a short one.  A person might choose to speak succinctly, but because the idea is conveyed in such a terse and cryptic way, it is difficult to understand.  For this reason, it is best to employ a method that may take longer at first, but in the end will be quicker.

When a child is born, the newborn does not at first show any reaction toward his parents.  But just because the child doesn’t yet know how to respond, does that mean that his parents don’t love him?  Of course not! They certainly love him! Love starts as a hidden thing, unrelated to what is revealed – how sweet, or precious, or talented the child seems.  On the other hand, when a person marries, the love for their spouse only begins after they get to know each other. As husband and wife get to know and appreciate the qualities and personality of the other, that’s when they begin to form a bond. 

The natural love between parents and children, unlike marriage, does not begin with becoming acquainted, but at a stage where we do not yet know anything about the child’s qualities and personality.  There is only inherent love, unrelated to any specific qualities.

What happens when the child gets older?  The parents start to get to know him, and are able to see the good and bad qualities of the child, his talents, his inclinations, and so on.

There is a very common phenomenon that takes place in many homes:  When there are a number of children in the family, a parent may feel closer to one particular child than to another.  What is the reason for this? If the love had remained as it was from birth, this could never happen.

Our love for our children is divided into two parts.  When the child is born, the parents have a natural love towards him, regardless of the child’s qualities. Later on there is an additional phase of love, as they come to know the personality and qualities of the child.  If the qualities are positive, the parents feel even closer to him, but if they are negative, it can create a distance between them. As we know, the qualities that emerge from our children are not always positive, and this can have an effect on our relationship with them.

As the child develops, the love that is dependent on his qualities takes a more important position than the initial, natural love, which gets pushed to the side.  Parents seem to be relating to the child in accordance with their impression of him.  The natural love remains as before, for it exists regardless of personality, but it gets pushed down to the depths of the soul.

Love that Leads to an Emotional Bond

There is also a third kind of love toward a child.  Of the relationship between Yaakov and Binyamin, it is written, “And his soul is bound with his soul”.[3] Each one felt bound to the other.  Their feelings were mutual. Does such a relationship exist within either the natural and conditional forms of love that we’ve discussed, or is this a completely different kind of love we haven’t encountered yet?

A mutual relationship with a newborn is obviously impossible, because the child is simply not yet aware of the existence of any relationship. But what about the second kind, when the love is dependent on his individual qualities?  Let’s think about it, because the truth may surprise you.  If you love a picture because of its beauty, or anything else in the world that finds favor in your eyes, does that mean there is a mutual emotional bond between you and the object?  Certainly not!  A mutual emotional bond can only exist when there are two parties working together to build the relationship.  Loving a spectacular picture or a magnificent home is unilateral.  This is also true of the love toward a newborn, or toward a cute and pleasant child. 

We are not trying to negate the value of the natural love of parents for their children.  On the contrary, this is essential and fundamental, for only by its existence can the parents properly care for their infants.  However, when we want to properly educate our children, we need a third kind of love – the one that is based on reciprocity, as in “his soul is bound with his soul.”  The parent must love the child, and the child must love the parent.  This relationship is not always present, because sometimes the love is unilateral. 

In summary, there is the one-sided love that parents feels toward a children in infancy.  Even at a later stage when there is love based on an agreeable personality – the child is sweet, helpful, or cheerful – the love is still one-sided.  But there is another kind of love – reciprocal “his soul is bound with his soul.”  This is a mutual love, because the child reciprocates with love.  It is possible to test if the love is reciprocated during certain special periods, such as when a parent has been away for a while, or when a mother gives birth and spends some time in the hospital. When she returns home, she may powerfully express her love toward her other children, but if they do not seem excited to see her, the love may still be unilateral.

In order for love to foster proper education, the aspect of, “As water reflects a face, so does the face of man [reflect] a man”[4] must be present.  When love comes from both sides it can serve as that essential funnel, and pave the way for effective education.

Many adults these days claim that their relationship with their parents is faulty.  Children feel that their parents don’t understand them, and sadly, this is often true.  Why is this?  One reason could be because the parents are living in a different world from their children.  The child looks towards the parent and thinks, “He is from a different generation; he can’t understand my needs.”  In such a situation, if a parent tries to educate and explain, it will be like pouring liquid into a small bottle without the aid of a funnel.  The water spills all over, the bottle remains empty, and then the screaming starts!

According to the way Hashem made the world, a couple gets married first, and children come along later. Is the first relationship, the one between the parents, one-sided or two-sided?  A healthy relationship must have mutual, reciprocal feelings of love. When children are born to parents who have this kind of healthy relationship, it is easier for the parents to develop a mutual relationship with the children as well.  But if, G-d forbid, there is a one-sided relationship between a person and his spouse, the bond with their children will be similar.  Just as we understand that a relationship between spouses must be mutual, so must the relationship with our children be based on that kind of reciprocity. 

The Relationship between Spouses and the Relationship with Our Children: A Comparison

Why, then, is it so important for spouses to have a mutual relationship, while with our children, the relationship is often one-sided?  The answer is based on what we said earlier. When a person gets married he chooses his spouse, and feels that the relationship must be based on an emotional bond. Even if there are problems in the relationship later, the couple has a foundation that was properly built, to some extent.  (Certainly, daily occurrences can gradually weaken this bond, but with some effort, the bond can be fixed, since it has a proper foundation.) 

On the other hand, we cannot expect the love we feel for a toddler to be reciprocal.  The bond between parent and child is based solely on the parents’ natural love.  The child eventually grows up, but often, the parents are still immersed in that initial kind of love from the child’s younger years.  Indeed, when we consider a child’s development, it is not easy to emerge from that natural love and develop a new kind of relationship. 

In the first months of a child’s life, the parents feel a natural love for the newborn, for no apparent reason.  As the child grows a little, their love is based more on his personality and qualities.  He starts making noises and doing various movements and this increases their love for him.  When the child develops more and starts to do smart things – around the age of a year and a half – the parent is very moved.  Thus, during the first few years, parents get used to loving their child without expecting any response.  (A little smile, a hug, or a cute sentence are not enough of an emotional bond for effective education to begin.)

What happens when the children get older still?  Generally, the love between parent and child is based on the two forms we’ve mentioned: the love that stems from the simple fact that this is their child, and the love that develops from an awareness of the child’s personality.  Many don’t take the trouble to cultivate mutual love, and there are consequences to this   neglect.  At a certain age, many children may know that their parents love them, but they feel that their parents don’t understand their needs. In worse cases, they feel unloved.

Beginning from around the age of twelve or thirteen (and sometimes even younger), even if the child is capable of understanding that his parents’ relationship to him is based on love, he may say to himself, “Yes, they love me and provide for me, but they don’t understand what I need.”  This is like the words of the Kuzari: “Your thoughts are acceptable, but your deeds are not.”[5]

We are not talking here about parents who don’t love their children. We are referring to a situation wherein parents love and invest a lot in their offspring but don’t realize that this type of love is not a replacement for a mutual emotional bond.

There are people who buy gifts as an expression of love for the recipient (a practice also common among spouses), but soon realize that although a lot of thought was given to the choice of the gift, the recipient isn’t happy. This occurs when the giver thinks only about what he feels the recipient needs, and not what the recipient actually needs. When you buy a gift out of love, must there be a two-way bond between the giver and the receiver?  Certainly not!  When buying a gift for a two-year old child, it does not reflect such a bond.

When one wants to start a relationship with a new friend, the first thing he does is try to get to know him.  As they become better acquainted, their love begins to grow. We can see from this that knowledge is the basis for love.  The relationship with children works differently.  At first, there is the natural love in the soul.  (Although the parents’ love is greater, the children also have natural love toward their parents.)  After that, both sides need to work on truly understanding each other, as this will help a great deal in the development of a mutual emotional bond. 

Of course, knowledge is not enough--only if it is mixed with love can it serve as a conduit for education.  There are psychologists who spend hours and hours with their clients and get to know them quite well, but cannot seem to get them out of the troubles they are stuck in.  Why? Because those psychologists are merely intellectuals. Even if they possess a lot of knowledge and understanding about the psyche, and can offer helpful suggestions, they have no emotional feelings towards their clients, and thus their knowledge cannot help them.  On the other hand, there are many families where, although parents feel love and positive feelings towards their child, there is no real bond and no understanding of the child’s needs. In this instance, while there is certainly a good, solid foundation, the foundation alone cannot build the child’s personality.

Without a two-way bond, a parent will not understand his child’s true needs, and will certainly err in educating him.  A parent who relates to older children emotionally, with only love, causes the child to feel like he is being treated like a small child. This is inappropriate, and will hinder the development of a mutual relationship. 

When a parent has a good mutual relationship with his children, he communicates appropriately with them, and it becomes easier to guide them in the proper path.  Without a mutual relationship, the parent ends up dispensing teachings from “above,” and thinks this is education. 

Balancing Authority and Friendship

In a biography about the Chofetz Chaim written by his son, he says that the Chofetz Chaim treated his children as friends.  When a child feels that his parent is a friend (in addition to a teacher), then education can succeed.

There are those who object to this concept, claiming that if parents act like a friend to their children, they can lose control over the home, and the kids will do whatever they please.  According to this oppositional viewpoint, parents must only take the role of educators. 

How can we reconcile these two conflicting opinions?  Indeed, we may not totally discount the need for the clear message that parents are the highest authorities in the home, but we must remember that the parents’ higher position in the house is only one side of the coin. The bond of friendship between parents and children is equally as important. 

If, however, relationships in the home are built only on friendship between parents and children, it cannot be defined as a Jewish home.  Obviously, education in the home is based on a clear sense of discipline.  Without it, the children would do whatever they wanted and there would be no way for the parents to successfully educate them.  But again, it must be reiterated that this is but one side of the coin and there must also be a sense of closeness and friendship.

“Love your neighbor as yourself” – Even Your Children

When the Rambam[6] defines the mitzvah of “Love your neighbor as yourself,” he writes, “Each Jew must love every other Jew.”  Thus, when a parent relates to his child only from the position of being superior to him, he has not only lost his “funnel,” but he also neglects the mitzvah of “Love your neighbor as yourself.” 

Nowadays, we find diametrically opposed approaches to education.  Some parents feel that they must hold themselves above with the children below them, and others take the non-Jewish approach – that everyone is equal. 

We will first deal with the approach that parents and children are equal.  A friend recently told me of a shocking incident that occurred in a certain family.  The father had a room he used to learn in. One day, the son decided that the room was his.  He soon acted upon this idea, so that when the father awoke, he saw that his things were moved out and the son’s things were brought in in their place.  This distorted view comes from the idea that the child is equal to his parents; from there, he can easily come to the conclusion that his parents must listen to him!

This attitude comes from being taught that everyone is equal – boys and girls, parents and children, teachers and students.  If anyone should think that this is the correct approach, the story above illustrates how harmful it is and how it can lead to the opposite of a proper upbringing. 

We cannot totally reject this approach, but we should learn to use it in the proper way.  If it is used as one side of the coin, so that in addition to friendship with the children there is also a clear sense of the parents’ authority, we have the proper recipe for a Jewish home.

In summary, the bond between parents and children must be based on two dimensions.  There must be clear hierarchy in the home, with the children realizing that the parents are the ones who make the decisions.  This is the only way that there will be any effective discipline.  Alongside this, there must be friendship between the parents and children, and also among the children themselves.  This will foster an atmosphere of “Love your neighbor as yourself”[7] in the home – all family members will be close friends.

The Relationship of Body and Soul

In fact, it is difficult to apply this model on a daily basis, but if we delve deeper to understand the inner background of this dual perspective, it will become clearer.

As we know from the sefarim hakedoshim, this is not the first time that our souls have come into this world.  Every soul has been here before, perhaps even a number of times.  Do you think that we had the same children in each of our lives?  Certainly not. It is said that at times, there is a switch.  Someone who was a rabbi to a certain student in one life becomes his student in another.  Likewise, a father can later become a son.  (This does not mean that a parent should be concerned about this and feel he must obey his child!)

We learn from this that there are two perspectives from which we must approach our children:  a perspective of body, and another one of soul.  From the physical point of view, we are the parents and they are the children.  The house is ours, the income is ours, and everything is under our control.  But looking at the inner dimension, each parent should think, “I have a soul and my child has a soul.  Am I certain that my soul is higher than my child’s?”  The answer is no, for it is possible (and often, evidence proves this) that parents have lower souls than their children.  Even if they are not lower, they may be only equal.  Of course, it is also possible that the children have lower souls.  All three possibilities exist.  (We don’t need to stress that with regard to all the laws governing the relationship with parents, we must use the physical perspective, whether it is about inheritance, other laws of relatives, or honoring one’s parents.

When we get used to thinking that there is a clear distinction between the two perspectives of body and soul, we will learn to relate to our children both ways,  bearing in mind that a child’s soul may have greater potential for Torah scholarship and righteousness than his parent, and even though the parent’s current responsibility is to educate children until they grow up, when they do grow up and their souls become manifest, they may well be on a higher level than their parents. 

This attitude can help any parent relate to his children as a friend, for by internalizing the knowledge that he and his children are holy souls that are part of the Jewish people, it is easier to fulfill the commandment to “Love your neighbor as yourself,” and live with them in the house as with close friends. 

Nonetheless, we must stress again that this proper friendship must be balanced with a strong sense of the parents’ authority.  Thus, using the physical perspective, we must work with the dimension of the parents’ clear superiority over the child.  This leads to trust and discipline in the house.  Together with this perspective, we make use of the perspective of the soul – since our child’s soul may be equal to ours or even higher, the proper approach is to keep in mind that we both have holy Jewish souls, and to apply, “Love your neighbor as yourself.”

This is not a new principle.  The Torah clearly orders us to “Love your neighbor as yourself” (and children are surely included in this category).  Though many people are not accustomed to looking at children in this way, with a little thought it becomes clear that there is no reason to exclude them from this fundamental rule in the Torah.  Just as you fulfill it with your acquaintances, so must you with your children.

Friendship Significantly Eases the Transmission of Ideas

Now that we have clarified the importance of a two-way bond with our children, we will show how this will help us to give over ideas and teachings to them.  When a person wants to hand a physical object to another, he gives it directly, but if he wants to give over an idea that will help in a certain area, for example if he is a teacher or employer, he will just give it as an order.  But if he is a friend, the message will be delivered through friendship and conversation. 

When parents see themselves only as being superior to their children, if they want to give something over to their children, it will come as an order from above.  Even if given with love, the child will still feel inferior.  Even when an employer loves his worker and gives him gifts, the worker still feels that he is an employee who has a boss.  In addition to his sense of authority, when a parent feels that he has many good friends in the house then, without a doubt, the education will be much different, and the children will receive it differently. 

Obviously, we cannot give definite rules about when to relate to the children as a parent, and when as a friend.  But the principle must be clear: a home cannot be built on just one side of the coin.  If the only communication and education there is in the house is transmitted through orders, the education becomes stressful and unbearable.  Sadly, we often see the results of this education when the children get older and abandon the home. Even if they don’t have the audacity to do that, they will not listen to nor will they internalize that which is said to them, and the results are very sad. 

But when there is a proper bond between parents and children, these things generally don’t happen, and even if the children have to deal with various difficulties in life, their bond with their parents will help them to cope and prevail.

This is not a magical formula that will succeed in all homes, and there will always be  problems that require special treatment.  But clearly, the initial basis of the relationship between parents and children must be based on these two dimensions – the parents’ authority and a bond of friendship.

A Proper Bond with our Children leads to Encompassing Ahavas Yisrael

When we consider married life, we understand that first there is a bond between the two spouses, and then, when children are born, there is a natural love toward them.  (We already explained that this will not necessarily lead to love on the part of the children.)  The ultimate goal of the bond between spouses and towards children is that it should ultimately be extended toward the entire Jewish people.  This is another reason that parents’ love toward children must be mutual.  If it never grows beyond the natural love parents have for their children, it cannot lead to encompassing ahavas Yisrael (love of fellow Jews); The only love that can extend to others is that which is based on the perspective of soul, in which the parents understand that their children’s souls may be equal or even greater than theirs. This can lead to general ahavas Yisrael, as one comes to appreciate the value of everyone’s soul. 

Without a doubt, it is easier to love your own children in this way than strangers, because we already have the basis of natural love toward them.  But remember that this is only the initial stage; if the parents nurture it into a strong bond of friendship with their children, it can certainly lead to a more encompassing and inclusive ahavas Yisrael. 

In summary, this chapter has not dealt with education itself, but with the stage preceding it – the bridge between parents and children that is the basis of education.  The bridge has two dimensions – the authority of parents, through which the children know clearly who makes the decisions in the house, and also the emotional bond that facilitates closeness. Only when these two approaches work together, so that sometimes, authority is used, sometimes friendship is used, and sometimes they are both used, can we expect positive results in education.