Droshos - Avoiding Marriage Fights

The Differences That Arise In Marriage

 A ben sorer u’moreh is a child who doesn’t listen to his parents. The Gemara says that the voice of the parents must be the same; if the father’s voice isn’t the same as the mother’s voice, the child doesn’t become a ben sorer u’moreh. Simply speaking, their physical voices have to be the same.

But the inner meaning of this is that their voices have to be the same on a spiritual level.

Right after a newlywed couple gets married, they soon realize that they think differently. “Just like all people’s faces are different, and all people’s thinking is different.” Why indeed did Hashem make it that each person thinks differently?

Each person is unique and different from another. The entire creation is full of differences; in fact, creation itself is a difference, because before creation there was only Hashem, and after creation there was a second thing – Creation. It is clear that our differences are not here to distance us from others, but to somehow bring us together – through those very differences.

When a person gets married, he sees how his spouse is different. Often the spouse will try to change the other to be more like him (or her). How indeed should we deal with the differences and oppositions we have with our spouse? Obviously, husband and wife have to give in to each other when they want different things, but the problem with this is that a person feels like he is giving up who he is and become more like his spouse – which he doesn’t really want to do.

“Giving In”

The problem is not that “she is just not you” or that “he is just not you.” Husband and wife have to be themselves; they don’t have to become the other one. Let your spouse be who he or she is. Don’t try to change anyone.

Your differences with your spouse are not meant to take away who you are. You can still be yourself and get along with your spouse. Your differences are meant to show you who you really are.

If a husband wants one thing and the wife wants another thing, and one of them gives in to the other – it’s not simply because they have to be more like the other one. If they give in to each other simply because they feel like they are giving up their self to become more like the other one, they will never become close to each other. Instead, a person has to give in to his or her spouse because one agrees in his\her soul that this is the right thing to do.

No one knows what they really need. Marriage shows you what you really need and what you really don’t. Marriage doesn’t take away who you are in any way or take away or what you need – marriage shows you what you really need, what your soul truly needs. When you have a difference with your spouse, this clarifies to you what you truly need.

You never have to give up yourself in marriage, even when you give in to your spouse. This is the real meaning of what it means to have “bittul” (self-nullification).

Wants Vs. Needs

This is the meaning of what Adam said about Chavah, that she is “A bone from my bone.” The relationship between a husband and wife is called a “bone”, because when they give in to each other, it’s not because they are giving up their private feelings; they are one!

Why does a person get married? It is not only because of the mitzvah to have children; it is because people don’t want to be lonely. There is an external and internal reason to this motivation. The external reason is because a person doesn’t want to be lonely; it is a desire to get married. But the inner reason is because a person needs to unify with another. The very existence of a person demands a union with another person.

First, a person needs to be connected to himself - and only after this can he connect to his wife.

The inner reason why we get married is because we need to get married, not because we want to get married. When a person reveals this inner reason, he will find that nothing really opposes him – something can oppose what you want, but nothing can oppose what you need.

We need to be opposed. We need challenges. When we realize this, we are calmed. Oppositions are a part of us – they are not against us. When a person feels like his wife opposes him, it is because he is still living with the attitude of “What I want”, not with “What I need.” He can only feel opposed when he feels that his wife is against what he wants.

Two kinds of Anger

There are two kinds of anger. The Gemara says that a Talmid Chochom who gets angry is only angry because of the “heat of Torah.” What is the difference between a regular person’s anger and a Talmid Chochom’s anger? A regular person who gets angry is angry at others when they go against what he wants. But a Talmid Chochom, when he gets angry, isn’t angry at the person on a personal level. He is angry not because his wants have been opposed, but because something is needed. It’s not an anger toward the person who opposes him – it’s nothing personal. It is beyond the regular anger we know of. The Torah within him is defending his essence, which has been attacked. He’s not angry at something he wants – he’s angry at something he needs which has been attacked. In the case of a Talmid Chochom, his needs have been attacked – his Torah.

This explains the concept we are saying: a person only feels challenged by oppositions from another when he feels that the other is getting in the way of what he wants. It is personal. But when a person accepts opposition from others as part of himself – he doesn’t view the oppositions as a bother.

How can a person know if his anger is the right kind of anger? He should ask himself if he feels at angry at the person – or instead at the situation going on. Does he feel a personal anger toward the person? If he does, such anger is the wrong kind of anger. Many times a person might think he’s just angry at the “situation” and not the person, but the other person will still feel hurt. He is feeling, “If you really liked me, why would you get angry at even the situation?”

Usually, even when a person gets angry from his essence and he doesn’t think it’s personal, it is also mixed with a little personal anger. Why? It is because a person has a nefesh habehamis, an animalistic part of his soul which contains the negative emotions. When a person gets angry, even for the right reasons and even when it’s not personal – it usually becomes personal, because a person’s base emotions get awakened.

Let’s give an example to prove this. There is a mitzvah to hate the wicked. This is not a personal hatred, but it is because there is a mitzvah to hate his actions. But what usually happens? The wicked person will hate him back, because he feels the hatred. Why does he feel the hatred? He feels it because since he knows the other person hates him, that causes him to hate the other person – and now the hatred is personal.

Therefore, a person has to know where the emotion is coming from in his soul. Even if the emotion originally came from one’s pure essence and it wasn’t personal, and it can become mixed with an actual negative feeling toward the person. We see this from the examples of “good” anger and “good” hatred; when a person is angry at someone and it’s not personal, or he hates someone because of a mitzvah and it’s nothing personal - it usually becomes personal.

Figuring out what you really need

How do we determine if a person is having a real need or if it is just something he wants, which he does not really need? Everyone has different needs. Some people think they have a “need” for nice clothing and some people think they have a “need” for vacations. A more internal kind of person realizes that all of these things are not real needs, and he has more spiritual needs: he needs to talk more, or he needs to sing. But whatever it is that a person needs, a person has to examine if he really needs these things.

When we realize what we really need – most of our problems will be solved, not in just in our marriage, but in our whole life as well, because there will be much less of a chance of things that clash against our wishes.