Tefillah - 060 Our Desire to Do Teshuva and Avoid Sin

Our Desire To Do Teshuvah and Avoid Sin

Teshuvah: Returning To Hashem

In the end of the blessing of השיבנו we say החזירנו בתשובה שלימה לפניך– “Return us to complete repentance before You.”

We ask Hashem to return us to teshuvah, and not just teshuvah, but a “teshuvah shelaimah” – complete repentance - the kind that is “before You”, to be in front of Hashem.

Teshuvah Shelaimah – Through Aligning Our Will With Hashem’s Will

“Teshuvah Shelaimah” is reached when we access our inner ratzon (will) of our soul, and this is hinted to in the words that we end off with in this blessing – הרוצה בתשובה, “He Who desires repentance.”

The will of Hashem is that we should return to Him with teshuvah. When we reveal Hashem’s will within our own will - when we make Hashem’s will into our will - we are thereby connected to Hashem’s will, and this is the deep meaning behind teshuvah.

Let us reflect into what it means to do “teshuvah shelaimah”, complete repentance.

Connected To Heaven As We Are On This Earth

The soul of man is compared to the ladder that Yaakov Avinu saw in his dream, which was “footed on earth, and its head reached the Heavens”. There are two ways how a person can view himself.

A person might see himself as a ladder that can ascend to Heaven, but, he focuses on the fact that the bottom of the ladder is on earth – he focuses on his earthly state. He focuses on the fact that he’s part of a lowly generation, a generation of yeridas hadoros (descent of the generations), and that since we are found in the “footsteps of Moshiach”, our little Torah learning is much more beloved to Hashem than in previous generations. This is stated in the sefarim hakedoshim, and it is true.

However, this mindset is only one side of the coin. To only think like this is to view life with a mind of katnus (immaturity). There is another aspect a person can focus on other than the above mentioned perspective, which is deeper.

During the Ten Days of Teshuvah, a person is supposed to act above his normal level. We see from this that although it is true that we are currently in a very impure world - the final generations, which are considered to be the lowliest - at the very same time, Hashem is still very much with us. We can remove the timtum halev (“blockage upon the heart”) and realize how Hashem is with us: when we sense His existence, in our heart.

Thus, in the higher part of our self, we exist on the plane of the “head of the ladder”, which is in Heaven. Thus, we are really a Heavenly kind of existence, in spite of the fact that our body lives on this lowly earth.

Of course, if a person thinks that he lives in Heaven, he is deluded, and he is being haughty. What is meant here is that when Hashem’s existence is sensed in one’s heart, he can align his will with Hashem’s will, and to the degree that we have nullified our own will to Hashem’s will, and in that sense, we can live at the top of Jacob’s ladder that is in the Heavens.[1]

Our Will To Do Teshuvah Is Enabled By Hashem’s Will That We Do Teshuvah

We have the power of free will (bechirah) to choose between good and evil, but we can get our very free will as well to become aligned with the Ratzon Hashem.

This is not just a knowledge, but something one can feel: all of the things we want are really stemming from the primary will in Creation, which is Hashem’s will.

Whenever we feel a will for holiness, for Torah or for mitzvos or for anything holy, how do we view this? Is it viewed as what “I” want, that “I” am wanting what Hashem wants? If a person looks at his will for holiness as something that “I” want, this is superficial. The real perspective to have is that a will to do teshuvah, although it certainly depends on accessing my free will, is really stemming from the will of Hashem! We are only enabled to do teshuvah because Hashem wants us to do teshuvah - הרוצה בתשובה.

During the Ten Days of Repentance, we all want to do teshuvah. But from where is our ratzon to do teshuvah coming from in the first place? It is coming from the One who wills that we can have a will to do teshuvah: Hashem, Who has a desire that we do teshuvah -הרוצה בתשובה.

Thus, how can “I” have a will to do teshuvah? Is it because “I” want to do so? If a person thinks this way, he will never arrive at the real level of teshuvah!

We must be able to realize – and to truly feel this – that our entire ratzon to do teshuvah does not even come from our self. It comes from Hashem, who is allowing His will to be manifest in you - when you feel the ratzon to do teshuvah.

The Ratzon of Hashem is really found in you, for every ratzon is really an offshoot of the primary will in Creation, the Ratzon of Hashem. Hashem is the One allowing all my movements to happen, and that is how a person should view his ratzon to do teshuvah. It’s all because Hashem is הרוצה בתשובה.

The Depth Of Our Bechirah (Free Will)

This is really the deep way to understand our power of bechirah (free will).

Simply speaking, free will is to choose between good and evil, to get ourselves to want the right thing. “Retzoneinu Laasos Retzoncha” – “It is our will to do Your will.” Deep down we want to do Hashem’s will, so the simple understanding is that I have to get my will to be in line with Hashem’s will; I want something that is improper, while Hashem wants me to do something else that is good and proper, and therefore I have to get myself to do what Hashem wants, by using my power of bechirah and choosing to do the right thing even though I want otherwise. That is the simple understanding. [2]

But the depth of free will is that when I choose good, it is only being enabled because Hashem has placed His will in me. He is behind all my movements, and I am allowing myself to let my will become Hashem’s will. So it’s not merely that “I” am doing “His” will, as if my will is different than Hashem’s will, I have to get myself to want His will. It’s rather that when I access my true ratzon\will – which is to do Hashem’s will – I am revealing how my own very will is really to do the will of Hashem.

Applying This Concept To Your Whole Life

If you live like this, your whole perspective towards other areas in your life changes as well.

For example, when you learn Gemara, if you’re learning the words of Tosafos or the Rashba, how you are being allowed to think? Is the thinking coming from your own ability to think?

If a person thinks that his ability to think into the words of the Gemara and to understand its logic is coming from his own brightness, he will never get to real success in learning Torah. Our entire power to think as we learn Torah is all being allowed entirely by Hashem![3]  When you think like this, you will also discover that your power of thought to think into the Torah has become vastly deepened.

During these days of repentance, we daven that Hashem “should not remove His spirit of holiness from us”. Each of us is able to feel that we are our movements and actions do not come from our own power, and that it is really Hashem is the One behind all our movements.

This is not a contradiction to our power of bechirah\free will. I can choose between good and evil, but even as I choose, it is still Hashem controlling my movements and allowing it to happen. When I get up in the morning and I go walk to shul, of course I chose to do so, but it is Hashem allowing me to walk there. “For Hashem, G-d, is with him, and the sound of the King is in him.”

This perspective will bring a major overhaul to your life.

Living With Hashem In Our Life

Only a totally delusional person thinks that his power to do anything is derived from his own human strength.

During these days of repentance, we especially need to bear in mind this concept. If we internalize this concept, we have the key to entering a world in which we feel how Hashem is behind our every movement and thus allowing us to have any will for holiness.

“Hashem made everything, continues to make everything, and will always make everything” – we must feel how this is really the case. Any positive action we do, any positive thought we have, any positive word we say – it’s only if Hashem allows it to happen!

This does not just mean that we have siyata d’shamaya (Heavenly assistance) in what we do. It is that I am choosing to reveal Hashem in my life and reveal, how it is He who is behind everything.

Living life with this perspective is how you live with Hashem in your life. It is as the Chovos HaLevovos describes, that a person can live with Hashem “b’matzpunei libo”, in the “hidden depths of his heart”.

The Two Steps of Teshuvah

There, are thus two steps in how to do teshuvah.

The first step is as we say in the beginning of this blessing, השיבנו אבינו לתורתך – Return us our Father to Your Torah – first we need to repent from sin, and this is how we return to keeping the Torah.

The second step of teshuvah is,החזירנו בתשובה שלימה לפניך – “Return us in complete repentance before You” – to be “before You”, to return our entire being to him; to live with Hashem in our life, to recognize how He is behind our every movement.  It is to return every part of our soul to him.

Teshuvah is only teshuvah shelaimah when it is “before You” – when we live with Hashem in our life, when we return our entire self to Him. If not, then it is not teshuvah shelaimah.

Practically Working On This Concept

To work on this concept, as you are thinking about anything that involves some will for holiness, pause your thoughts a bit and ask yourself where the thoughts are coming from.

For example, if you are in middle of learning with your chavrusa and the two of you are arguing back and forth, pause your thoughts for a moment and ask yourself where your logic is coming from. Think: Why are you thinking the way you are thinking right now – why aren’t you thinking otherwise? It is because Hashem is guiding your thoughts and allowing them to progress from Point A to Point B. Hashem is providing you every second with life-giving energy, therefore, you are being allowed to think. We need to feel how Hashem is giving us life every moment.

Throughout Elul and Rosh HaShanah and Yom Kippur, we keep asking for life. “Remember us for life.” “Write us in the book of life.” When we feel attached to Hashem, that’s life. “And you will cling to Hashem your G-d, and all of you will thus be alive on this day.” Feeling attached to Hashem is called being “alive”.

(The first step in d’veykus\being attached with Hashemis to feel a simple sense that Hashem exists. The second step is to feel that Hashem provides you with your energy every second.)

The Deep Method of How To Avoid Any Sin

Another example of the concept: If a person misuses his power of speech and he talks lashon hora (evil gossip), he definitely chose to do so. But had he felt that Hashem allows him to talk, he would immediately remind himself [subconsciously] that he can only talk according to how Hashem wants him to talk, and thus he would hold back from talking lashon hora.

Getting used to thinking like this – that my entire ratzon for any action, thought or speech that I do is really being allowed by Hashem’s will – is something that will help distance you from any sin. Since you can realize that your ratzon this moment is only being allowed by Hashem, you will automatically catch yourself and realize that your ratzon needs to be aligned with Hashem’s will, which is that you should not commit the sin.

To work on this, get used to thinking that Hashem is behind all your movements – every action, thought, and word.

We have explained here the depth of our power of free will – to choose how we recognize where our will is coming from.

If one internalizes this perspective, he comes to the Day of Judgment being very close to what it means to have “teshuvah Shelaimah”. This is not to say that it automatically cause you to do teshuvah shelaimah, but it will certainly bring you very close to the understanding behind teshuvah shelaimah.

The Inner Method of Change

Rosh HaShanah is the “head” of the year. The head represents the beginning; it can be a new beginning for you. There are two different methods of change that people try.

One method of change is to accept upon yourself resolutions. This is based on truth and it is stated in our sefarim hakedoshim, and it is wonderful to make such resolutions, but often, the resolutions don’t last.

There is another method of change we can apply that will help us start over from a new beginning. It is to acquire the deep perspective which was described here. It is the way how we can focus on the “head” of our ladder, which reaches the heavens.

It is to realize that Hashem’s light is really found in ourselves, and we just have to choose to believe in this: that one’s entire ratzon to do anything is only being enabled by Hashem, Who lets it all happen. Thus, our ratzon to do teshuvah can only happen after we choose to recognize this, that even when we choose good, it is still Hashem who is allowing our ratzon to work.

In Conclusion

May we merit that all of us be written in the Book of Life - and not just from a superficial understanding towards this, but with the understanding that we can only do Hashem’s will because our entire will to do anything is enabled only by Hashem. May we merit that the entire Creation should know that Hashem is the Source behind everything, that “all handiwork should understand that You are its Worker, and that all creations should understand that You are its Creator.” And that is how we will merit a good year.