Tefillah - 146 Being Thankful

Hodaah: The Power To Admit\Thank

 מודים אנחנו לך ה' אלוקינו – “We are thankful to You, Hashem our G-d.”

We have a power to give hodaah (thanks), there is also to Whom we give thanks to, and there is also what we thank Him for.

In this blessing of Shemoneh Esrei, we give hodaah to Hashem, and it’s about the very fact that He is our Hashem our G-d, as well as the other things we thank Him for in this blessing. Because we have a power of gratitude, that is how we are able to give thanks to another and describe what we are thankful for. But it all starts with the very power to have gratitude (hodaah) in the first place.

Two Kinds of Hodaah

There are two kinds of hodaah, as described in the works of our Sages.

1) One kind of hodaah is “modeh al ha’emes”, to admit to the truth, which we find by Yehudah, who admitted to the truth by the episode with Tamar, in spite of the shame he endured. That is one use of hodaah: to admit to the truth.

2) Another kind of hodaah is when one expresses gratitude over something he has received. We learn hodaah from the mother of Yehudah, Leah, whom the Gemara says was the first one to thank Hashem, when she thanked Hashem over the birth of Yehudah.

In the blessing of Modim, we mainly give hodaah to Hashem on what He gives us.

Obstacles That Prevent Gratitude

The power of hodaah in our soul is opposed by two other forces in our soul. A person doesn’t want to admit to truth or be thankful due to his gaavah (conceit). Another reason is due to bushah (shame).

A person’s gaavah (conceit) causes him to avoid admitting to the truth. The Gemara says that it is not the way of the king to give and not receive. So too, when a person has gaavah, he considers himself like a sort of “king” who can’t take from others.

Although there is also a holy power in the Jew’s soul to feel like a royal king (malchus\royalty) for we are all called “a nation of kings”, still, this power can become distorted for evil – whereupon it becomes the evil trait of gaavah.

Another reason why a person can’t admit or be thankful that he got something is due to his sense of shame. The Talmud Yerushalmi says one is ashamed to look at one whom he has received good from. Either he will avoid the person whom he received from, or, he will deny the good that he has received and be ungrateful.

To summarize thus far: a person doesn’t admit to the fact that he received good because he doesn’t like to receive, which can either come from being spiritually refined (a holy trait of adinus\refinement in the soul) or, it’s because he is conceited, which is the evil trait of gaavah. A completely different reason why it could be is because one might feel ashamed to receive good from others, and that is why he doesn’t give thanks to the one whom he received from.

Some people have the opposite problem: they keep taking and taking from others[1], and they are not bothered with this at all. Most people, however, do not like to receive from others on a continual basis, and usually this is because one is too conceited to accept that he sometimes needs others.

Being A “Mekabel”: Recognizing Our Nature To Receive

We really have a nature to be a mekabel, a receiver. One must acknowledge this fact, for it is the way Hashem made us. All the people in the world need each other in order to survive. As long as we understand how to use our nature of being a mekabel and we use it in its proper limits, there is nothing wrong with this, and to the contrary, it is a holy part of our nature which we need to know how to use.

From the time we are born, we are complete takers. A child takes and takes from those who nourish him, especially his mother whom he depends on; a child cannot give to others. Maybe there’s somewhat of an aspect of giving, because he makes others happy when they see him. But for the most part, a child does not give, and it is an entirely a receiver, from its mother.

As a child gets older, he still continues to receive from his parents, but as he gets older and more mature, he learns how to become a giver. However, we start out in life being a total taker. It is not for naught that Hashem made us that way. It is to show us that we need to understand our nature of being receivers.

On one hand, the nature of taking is the epitome of immaturity. Indeed, a person who uses his receiving aspect to only take from people and never give to others is one who has a very immature orientation in life. But the holy side to it is that Hashem implanted in us a nature to receive, so that we will understand that we need to receive from others [and thus be grateful for what we have received].  

Although we need to learn the art of giving as we get older[2], we also need to know how to receive in the right way: we always receive from Hashem many kindnesses. Not only from Hashem do we always receive; we also receive from all people. That is the way Hashem made the world: we all need each other. Thus, all of us inevitably receive from others. So it is just that we need to understand how to use our “receiving” aspect in the right way.

How Gaavah\Conceit Prevents Gratitude Towards People

When a person has too much gaavah (conceit), he won’t want to receive from others, and he is not prepared to admit to the good that that he receives from others. He wants to feel “independent.” But if a person is aware that the design of Creation is that we must receive from others, he will have the proper perspective towards the nature of receiving: instead of viewing himself as a ‘king’ who does not like to receive from people, he will view another as a ‘king’ whom he must give royalty to.

In fact, when a person gets to Heaven, one of the questions he is asked is, “Himchlachta es chaveircha”?, “Did you treat your friend with royalty?” The way we make others ‘royal’ is by acknowledging that we have received from them. It is hard for a person to admit to this because then he has acknowledged that the other is above him and elevated over him, for his friend was the giver, and he was the receiver. But that is exactly what it means to make others ‘royal’: to admit it when you receive from them, even though you feel lowlier about yourself in the process. One needs to come to terms with this, feeling humbled and lowered in the process, accepting that his benefactor has the more prominent status than he.

Of course, as we mentioned earlier, there are people who are addicted to taking from others; they will not identify with the concept here. But when a person has the problem we are describing, which is to have a lot of gaavah, the result is that he will not be prepared to receive from others. He wants to feel independent of others. As for the things he needs to receive, he will deny the fact that he has received good from others, and even if he doesn’t deny it, he will not really feel thankful to the other person, because it feels lowering for him to do so - and his gaavah won’t allow him to lower himself.

If he doesn’t want to receive from others because he is refined, that is fine. But if he’s refusing to be thankful to others because he has gaavah, his gaavah won’t allow him to accept that he has received from others, because if he will admit it, then he will feel lowered than another, and this will be too hard for him. He can’t be thankful, and even if he does manage to mutter a “Thank You” to one who did a favor for him, it will only be said superficially. Deep down, he doesn’t want to accept that he has received from another.

Even if he doesn’t verbally deny the good he has received from another, and he’ll even thank the other in person, deep down in his soul he recoils at the fact of having to receive from another; and as a result, he cannot be thankful to another.

The Reason For Lack of Gratitude To Hashem

So far, we have explained why a person wouldn’t want to express gratitude to another person. It is a large part of our task on this world to perfect our interpersonal relationships, as is apparent from the fact that a person will be asked in Heaven if he succeed in giving ‘royalty’ to his friends. But it is also a problem that can exist between man and Hashem.

A person might have too much gaavah in himself and therefore he will feel like he doesn’t need Hashem in his life! He wants to feels independent, even independent of Hashem.

Why is it that people are not used to asking Hashem for their needs? One answer is because many people are simply not used to it. There are also more reasons why. But the inner reason is: we all believe in our minds, at least intellectually, that we need Hashem’s help, yet, surprisingly, just because a person knows this, that doesn’t mean he will actually beseech Hashem for his needs.

Why? The answer is because when a person has a lot of gaavah, he will want to feel independent, thus he believes that he can manage without Hashem. 

Of course, when he gets desperate and he’s really suffering, he’ll cry out to Hashem, just like any drowning person would. It is written, “In your suffering, you find Him.” But as long as a person isn’t desperate for help, his gaavah might be so strong that he doesn’t turn to Hashem for help. He might give 150 reasons why he doesn’t ask Hashem for help. But the main reason is because he’s not aware that it’s because of his gaavah.

The Prerequisite To “Modim”

The middle 12 blessings of Shemoneh Esrei are all requests, in which we acknowledge that we receive from Hashem our many needs. In the blessing of Modim, a person begins to thank Hashem. But in order to thank Hashem, one first has to realize that he receives things from Hashem in the first place.

If a person is willing to accept the fact that he receives things from Hashem, he will be able to thank Hashem upon that, but if a person is not prepared to accept this fact about life, he doesn’t have the basis of thanking Hashem. Except for when he’s desperate, he doesn’t want to admit that he needs to receive things from Hashem.

Of course, the other extreme is bad too: those who take from others on a continual basis, because they are so used to taking that they take from others even when they don’t need, such as people who “schnorrer” all the time from gemachim when it comes Yom Tov time, taking and taking and taking from all of these chessed organizations, whether they need it or not. That’s a different problem which we are not addressing here.[3]

But when a person has the opposite problem, of not being able to admit that he receives from Hashem, he has a problem of gaavah, and he won’t be able to thank Hashem either. He doesn’t ask Hashem for help, and he has many reasons why not, but it’s really because he has gaavah towards Hashem.

It’s astounding that a person can feel independent even of Hashem! It is because he simply does not want to accept the fact that he needs to receive things.

We are born as receivers, where we take and take from those around us. The root behind he mitzvah of honoring parents is due to the fact that we receive so much good from them, thus we must be grateful to them and honor them greatly in return. Even as we get older, we still need to receive from others; there’s no way out of it. Hashem made us like to show us a mashal (parable): that we need to recognize how much we receive from Him, in order to be able to thank Him upon that recognition.

In Borei Nefashos, we say, “Borei Nefashos Rabbos V’chesronan” – “The Creator of many creations and all their deficiencies” - the fact that we are lacking is part of our essence, so that we can realize how much we need Hashem, for we lack so many things. If we have the proper understanding towards our nature to receive, then we will realize that we need to receive from Hashem, and then we can be able to thank Him. If we realize that we entirely take from Hashem, we can then realize that we must entirely be thankful to Him, for He gives us everything.

So when we take from other people to get what we need, it’s a lesson for us to realize how much we need Hashem. In order to really feel thankful to Hashem, we first need to realize that we entirely receive from Him – and then we can thank Him from that recognition.

The Root of The Shame of Receiving

The second obstacle which prevents us from feeling gratitude which we mentioned is not because of gaavah\conceit, but rather, due to bushah, shame. Now we will analyze this more deeply.

A person might not want to be thankful to one whom he has received good from, not because he is haughty, but because he is embarrassed to look in the other’s eye after receiving from him. Chazal say it’s more praiseworthy to give private charity then to give it him directly, because when it’s given directly, the receiver is ashamed.

Why is one ashamed to receive from others? It is rooted in man’s deep nature to give to others. When one receives from another, inwardly he will feel ashamed, because it goes against his own nature to give. As a person matures, he gives more. Thus, he is ashamed when he has to receive, because it goes against his deep nature to give.

For this reason, a person might also feel ashamed that he needs to receive from Hashem. The Ramchal writes that our power of free will was given to us so that we won’t feel ashamed when we get reward.

What indeed should a person do about the shame he feels when he receives good? Either he will avoid the one whom he has received from, because he is ashamed; or, he will give back good to the other person and express hakaras hatov (gratitude). A third, deeper reaction is for him to recognize that good was given to him. This is really the meaning of hodaah - to recognize that good was given to you. Upon that recognition, you can feel grateful.

The Depth of Straightening Up After Bowing By Modim

By Modim we bow, but we also straighten up after we thank Hashem, because after we recognize the good that Hashem does for us, we can then recognize Hashem. In a deeper sense, this reflects the reward of the future, that after we realize how much Hashem has done for us, we can then recognize Hashem, which is the purpose that will be fully realized in the future.

This is the deeper implication of the concept of hakaras hatov (expressing gratitude). It is not just about giving back something to the one whom you received a favor from. It is about recognizing what you have received.

How To Be Grateful

Making this practical, when you receive good from another, you should thank him because you recognize that you have received something from him. From that place in yourself, you can thank someone properly.

So the very first step in gratitude is to first recognize that good was given to you, as opposed to quickly giving something back to the other. This is because in order to thank another, first you need to realize what you have received from another and come to terms with this acceptance.

Hashem as a treasury of “matnas chinam” in His Heavenly storehouses – the deeper meaning behind this is that when we recognize that we need to receive from Hashem, we can then receive all that He can give us.

A true friend is not just someone who gives to his friend; he is ready to accept the fact that he receives good from his friend. When you do receive from another, recognize that you have received, and then thank him. This trains you to become more sensitive to the whole “receiving and giving” concept. Realize that you have received, but instead of feeling ashamed at this, accept the fact that your friend is now elevated above you, for he has given to you. In that you way, you truly make your friend “royal” and honor him.

Herein lays the key to thanking Hashem. In order to feel grateful to Hashem, we first need to be able to accept that we receive from Him.

The Depth of Bowing By Modim

In Modim, the first thing we thank Hashem for is that He is our G-d. What we see from this is that when we recognize that Hashem is our G-d while we are human, who receive from Him, and that is the basis of how we can be lead to thank Him. So we are not just thanking Hashem that He is our G-d. It is because the basis of thanking Hashem is to first realize that we receive from Him, for He is G-d while we are human and need Him to survive.

This gives us new depth of understanding in why we bow by Modim. One reason is to lower ourselves in humility before Him. We feel ashamed that we have to receive. But according to the deeper understanding that we are explaining here, we bow by Modim because in order to thank Hashem, we first need to realize that we are humans who need to receive from Him, the King of all kings, and thus we bow to Him.

The Balance Between Giving and Receiving

One needs to know the balance of how much he should give to others and how much to take from others. One has to acknowledge both abilities and validate that each of these is part of our human nature. If a person doesn’t want to accept that we are designed this way – the fact that we need to both give as well as to receive – then he is mistaken about a major part of our human design.

But when one knows the balance between giving and receiving, he understands that each of these is an avodah. He needs to give for the sake of giving, and he needs to also realize that he has to receive sometimes. The point we have emphasized here is that one needs to accept the fact that he needs to receive sometimes from others, in order to be able to thank other people and to thank Hashem.

So on one hand, one needs to learn how be more of a giver to others and lessen his amount of taking, but along with this, when one does have to take from others, he should acknowledge that he has received from the other; in this way, he elevates the other and makes the other ‘royal’, for now he has accepted the fact that another is higher and more elevated then he and that he is at the lower, receiving end.

In Conclusion

This is the depth the concept of behind crowning others with royalty: that when you are on the lower end and the other has been elevated above you (for you have received from him, and he has been the giver to you), you acknowledge that you have received from him, which allows him to be more elevated than you. You come to terms with it and you accept it, and in that you, you chip away at your conceit and at your sense of shame of having to receive from others.

All that pertains to our relationship with others, but the greater lesson we take out of this is the lesson behind the parable, which is to show us how we must relate to Hashem: we receive from Hashem, and we need to acknowledge that.

Besides for the fact that we “give” to Hashem (as it is written “Give strength to G-d”), we need to realize and accept that we also receive from Hashem. It is an avodah upon a person to accept that we receive from Hashem, and this is what lays behind the words, מודים אנחנו לך.