Bilvavi Part 4 - Chapter 12 Beginning To Act Lishmah

“Die Before You Die”

Every single person on this world has a set amount of time for how much he will live on this world, predetermined by Hakadosh Baruch Hu. It is written, “Our years are seventy, and for those who are strong, eighty years.” When our time comes to leave this world, the soul departs from this physical world; if a person merits, he enters the World To Come, a world that is supreme bliss. It is a world unlike anything we know of from this world’s lifetime. It is the world which we all look forward to when the time comes for our soul to leave our body.

However, Chazal say that not everyone experiences death in the same way. The more one connected with his soul on this world, the easier it will be to take leave of the body by death. The more one was connected to his body on this world, the more painful it will be to separate from the body when the time comes.

What can a person do to avoid this most painful transition? In Shaarei Teshuvah, Rabbeinu Yonah brings the advice from Chazal: “Do you wish not to die? Then die before you die!”

This does not mean, of course, that one should make himself die in the simple sense. We can ‘die’ in the sense that Avodas Hashem is to leave this world and enter into a different kind of world. Avodas Hashem is not just about improving our various deeds, words, and thoughts. It is about leaving this world of materialism and instead entering into a spiritual world, a world of connection with Hashem.

In other words, it is not enough for us to grow spiritually and to attain high levels. We need to aspire to want to leave the lifestyle of the physical world. It is for our thoughts and yearnings to be connected to the Ribono shel Olam.

Shlomo haMelech says the famous words in Koheles: “Futility of futilities, so says Koheles; futility of futilities, everything is futility.” When a person truly merits to understand this – not out of a sense of lowliness, but rather out of a sense that our purpose in life can be uplifted to recognize what true G-dliness is – then his soul becomes connected to the spiritual, and to that is all he aspires for.

We mentioned before many ways how to serve Hashem, but we must bear in mind the point that unifies all of these ways together: that spirituality is a world unto itself, and it is not the same kind of world which we see with our physical eyes.

“All your actions shall be for the sake of Heaven”

We will now speak about a point which we only mentioned briefly before, and now we will expand upon this point and understand it. The goal of this is not just always think about this point wherever we go, but to live them.

Chazal state[1], “And all your actions shall be for the sake of Heaven.” The true way that a Jew’s life is supposed to look like is to always act for the sake of Heaven. There is no Jewish soul who doesn’t know how to act for the sake of Heaven, and the same is true for the opposite: there is no person who acts entirely for the sake of Heaven. After all, we are made up of materialism, and we have evil inclinations; each to his own.

Our avodah is to expand the part in ourselves that acts for the sake of Heaven – both in its quality, and in its frequency, until one eventually does all his actions for this pure motive.

Of course, in our subconscious, there will always be some thoughts which are for ulterior motives. But one has to aspire, in spite of this, that his actions become closer more and more to acting for the sake of Heaven. He should get to a point in which his ulterior motivations pale in comparison to how much he’s acting for the sake of Heaven, that the main part of his life is spent on deeds and thoughts which are for the sake of Heaven.

The various actions we do throughout the day seem to each have their separate purpose, but that’s only concerning the external part of the actions.  The inner purpose of every action we do can all be for one purpose alone. On a deeper note, our actions don’t have anything to do with us, because our whole avodah is to improve our heart, and then Hashem improves our actions as an automatic result; this is what is written, “To a man belongs the arrangements of his heart, and from Hashem will come the answer.”

What is work with our heart that we must do, this “arranging of the heart” (“maarchei lev”) that the possuk is referring to? It is our power to act for the sake of Heaven. When a person lives a truthful kind of life, he realizes how he’s only a messenger of Hashem, because everything is meant to carry out His will. We each have own individual tasks to carry out for Him, but we are still all just His messengers. “A messenger acts upon the knowledge of his master.”

The only thing we can really get out of this physical world is to simply recognize that all of our life is meant only for one purpose: to do the will of the Creator.

Why?

Because Hashem has asked us to do so! Even if a person never understands why it must be this way, what the understanding of this is, what the reason for it is – he still must carry out his mission, simply because it is the will of Hashem. We must do Hashem’s will - without asking any questions about this.

“I believed, for I spoke”

This concept (to act for the sake of Heaven) is well-known, but the question is: How do we live by them? How can we draw this matter closer to our hearts?

For this, let us repeat the fundamental which we always mention, something that can be applied to every situation. It is written, “I believed, for I spoke.” If we ever want to work to acquire a matter, besides for realizing how important a matter is, we always need to speak them out verbally, so that we can get the matter to enter into our heart and penetrate it.

If a person really wants to live a life in which he acts for the sake of Heaven, it is not enough just to know about this concept intellectually, nor is it enough to recognize the importance of it. In order to live by it in our souls, we must constantly verbalize this matter: that we want to act all our life for the sake of Heaven. The more a person talks about matters that have to do with becoming closer to Hashem, accompanied by a prayer to Hashem about this – the closer a person will be to reaching a life in which he always acts for the sake of Heaven.

Of course, this does not happen in a day or two. But a person is still able to progress with this and it won’t even take that long, in which acting for the sake of Heaven begins to takes up a big place in his heart.

Anyone who is used to this can attest that it transforms him entirely. Verbalization of a matter doesn’t just affect us to act more for the sake of Heaven – it is a matter which helps a person in anything he wants to acquire, whether it is to have more emunah, to remember Hashem more, etc. – a person should always verbalize it that he wants to acquire the matter. Practicing this transforms a person’s mundane world into a world of “In the shadow of Your wings, take shelter.”

It’s possible for a person to live here on this physical world, with his body on the earth, doing whatever it has to take care of – yet his soul is bound up with the spiritual, connected to Hashem, because one’s heart and thoughts can be in that place at the same time that his body is here on this earth.

“For the matter is very close to you, it is in your mouth and heart to do it.” How can a spiritual matter become close to us? It is when “it is in your mouth and your heart.”  As long as our heart is in it, and when we are verbalizing it as well, we will come “to do it.”

The more we verbalize it, the closer we draw it into our heart, and then as time goes on, we will be able to see that this leads to bettering our actions. Our actions will then have our heart in them, a heart of yearning for the Creator – a heart with a will to give satisfaction to the Creator.

Example One: Tefillin

We will give some examples how to make this practical, but there are really countless scenarios to how it can be applied.

Firstly, as we said, there has to be a simple recognition that we are just Hashem’s creations, and that all of our life is about one matter alone: doing what He wants. Anything else other than this goal is just the tools to get there.

For example, a person is taking out his Tefillin in the morning and about to don them. As he’s holding them in his hand, he can say to Hashem (either verbally or mentally):

“Ribono shel olam, why am I about to wear this Tefillin? It is because You commanded me to put them on. Ribono shel olam, I want to do Your will, and give You satisfaction; but I feel that my will for this isn’t so strong. It is hard for me to feel that I’m doing this just to give You satisfaction. I beg of You to help me, that the action which I am doing here should be done with purity of heart, with yearnings to carry out Your will.”

A person doesn’t have to use these exact words. Each person can use his own self-expression in how he talks to Hashem. The point of it is to absorb this as a way of life. Saying the “L’sheim yichud” prayer that’s printed in the siddur won’t suffice for this, because we are used to such prayers, and we often say them rushed and without any contemplation. Our words to Hashem must come forth from our heart – each according to his own language.

If someone just reads off the words of this prayer we’ve given, exactly as it’s written here, then it’s almost pointless! Each person has his own way of self-expression, and he must express himself to Hashem in his unique way. It is just that we all have one common denominator: We must not do any of the mitzvos without contemplation beforehand. Our good deeds need to be preceded with some thought.

Of course, a person will still fulfill the mitzvah of Tefillin even if he doesn’t say a prayer beforehand to Hashem. But if one really wants to connect to Hashem, he must put on Tefillin slowly, with his heart in it, and not just with his hands.

It’s a possible that a person was wearing Tefillin all his life, fulfilling the mitzvah always – and indeed he will receive reward for it – yet he can still be lacking the soul behind the mitzvah, and he has totally lost out on the goal of Tefillin – chas v’shalom. We have to get used to putting on Tefillin with thought beforehand, and to awaken our yearnings before we put it on, that we are doing this to do the will of Hashem.

Let us once again emphasize, as always, that we need to remember to speak with Hashem in first-person, and not in third-person. “Face to face Hashem spoke with them at the mountain, amidst a fire.” Our aspiration is that we long to return to how we were at Sinai, when we were face to face with Hashem. Standing at Sinai is an event that we can actually reach through our soul, but it is initially covered over by many layers and hidden from us. When one speaks to Hashem in first-person, “face to face”, he awakens his inner state of being at Sinai.

The more he speaks like this with Hashem, the more he ignites his soul to get past all the outer layers covering it (whether these outer layers developed from his last lifetime or from his current lifetime).

The Basis of the Day

We have given so far one example of how one should begin his day, but understandably, this is just the beginning.

We can give another example. A person finishes davening, and then he’s off to his respective job of the day. Right before he leaves shul, he should stop for a moment and talk with Hashem, simply, as follows:

“Ribono shel olam, a whole day is before me, a day which You gave me in order to serve You. I want to give You a nachas ruach (satisfaction), but it is hard for me. I sometimes succeed with this, and I sometimes fail. I am begging You to help me always remember that I must always do Your will, and that this thought should never leave me, from morning until night. (Of course, all people still forget this, but the more we daven like this, the less we will forget). Help me not only that I shouldn’t forget You, but that my soul should become filled with yearnings to do Your will, throughout the entire day.”

In other words, the beginning of our day should start out with a prayer to Hashem that He help us remember Him at all times to want to do His will.

If our day is based upon this, we can then proceed further with this.

One who has purified himself more (and with time, anyone can attain this) should train himself that as soon as he gets up from his sleep, the moment his head feels clear, he should right away begin the day with this first thought: “Ribono shel olam, You woke me up. You gave me another day to serve You. I beg of You that I not forget You, that I always remember every moment that I am only here to serve You. Please open up my heart as well to yearn to do Your will and to give You satisfaction.”

The book Nefesh HaChaim writes that the first thought one has in the day is the thought that accompanies him throughout the rest of the day. If our first thought of the day is about a yearning for serving the Creator, it will remain inside us for the rest of the day and escort us constantly.

Although these matters are quite simple to understand, the evil inclination tries very hard to make us take our mind off this and forget about this. The more a person gets accustomed to the avodah here, however, he will not despair, even if he forgets hundreds of times about this matter. He will begin fresh each time.

As the day goes on and a person realizes that he has forgotten about this matter, and now he remembers it, he should say to Hashem: “Ribono shel olam, I have forgotten about You. I forgot that I must serve You. I will not let myself become upset about this; I will strengthen myself again and continue to try. I beg of You to help me remember You always, that You help me avoid forgetting this.”

This is a gradual process. When we start practicing this, it is impossible to always remember Hashem throughout the day. But for at least five or ten times a day, we can talk like this to Hashem, and then slowly we should increase these exercises until we get to a point in which we are either always learning Torah, or thinking about serving Hashem.

All of our actions – whether it’s learning Torah, davening or doing kindness – must be done with remembering Hashem, remembering that we are acting to do His will. It should be from an inner recognition that we are living for Hashem.

To Please Our Father

To draw this matter closer to us, we will try to bring out how important it is to do the mitzvos with pure intentions.

Normally, we are supposed to begin with shelo lishmah (ulterior motivations) and only after that work to have lishmah (pure motives for the sake of Heaven). So why are we focusing here so much on lishmah, when we are only describing the beginning stage of our avodah? It is because we need to at least recognize at the start of the importance of lishmah, and how pathetic it is to act shelo lishmah.

Let us imagine the following scenario from life, to help us identify more with why we always need lishmah. Let’s say there is a father who has a fifteen-year old son who learns in yeshiva, Baruch Hashem. It’s bein hazemanim and his son is home for a few weeks. The family sits down to eat breakfast, and the father asks his son to please get him a cup of water.

The son thinks for a moment and says, “Okay, I’ll get the cup of water…but what will you give me for it?”

The father is bewildered: “Did I ask of you so much?! All I asked for was a cup of water!”

Imagine such a relationship: the son only does favors for his father if he’ll get rewarded for it?? The son is only willing to get his father a cup of water only if he’ll get something in return? For getting him a measly cup of water?

The lesson we see from this is clear. We are all children of Hashem – “You are children to Hashem your G-d.” Hashem is our Father, and we are His children. If a person only acts shelo lishmah – he lives his life only for what he will get from Hashem – he is acting exactly like the selfish son in the above example. Sure, he’ll do the mitzvos, but only if he gets something out of it, such as long life or other blessings. He’ll always give maaser, but only because he heard that it’s a segulah to live a long life…

We do not mean to invalidate the fact that keeping the mitzvos causes certain blessing for a person. Yes, it is true that there are rewards for the mitzvos, and there is such a thing as segulos. These things are written about in the Torah. But it isn’t written in the Torah to serve Hashem in that way! A person who only serves Hashem only with a “what’s in it for me” attitude loses a simple father-son bond with Hashem.

Imagine the father in the above scenario we brought. For how long can he take this attitude from his son? How much pain he’s feeling: “I raised this child, for fifteen years I took care of him – and this is how he treats me??”

Why indeed would the son hesitate to bring his father the cup of water and demand a reward for it? It can only be for one reason alone: everything he does is all about himself.

Davening to Hashem To Remove The Ulterior Motives

The above mentioned example doesn’t apply to all people, but if someone wants to awaken himself to act more lishmah, he should think about the example we gave. He should reflect about this before he does any of the mitzvos.

For example, before one puts on his Tefillin, he should say to Hashem: “Ribono shel olam, I am ready to put on Tefillin. Why am I doing this? Because You requested this of me.”

Now, let out your true feelings: “Ribono shel olam…what will You give me for putting on Tefillin…?”

Then, immediately continue: “I am ashamed to say this to You (to ask You for reward) but this is how I feel.”

This is the honest approach; to leave this point out would be fooling oneself, and it would just be pushing our real thoughts underneath the carpet. It is much better to be honest with ourselves and admit to Hashem that we want reward for the mitzvos we do, rather than to lie to ourselves and fool ourselves that we have pure motives.

We need to speak about this with Hashem and say, “I know that these thoughts are really lowly, and that if I would have a son who acts this way toward me, I would find it unbearable. Ribono shel olam, I beg of You, purify my heart, and remove the impure motives in me that are holding me back from wanting to do Your will.”

By speaking it out with Hashem about our problem with shelo lishmah, we actually prepare ourselves to reach lishmah.

Daven to Hashem specifically about this: “Please, Hashem, remove from me these thoughts. I know they are not good, but it is hard for me not to think this way.”

Get used to speaking to Hashem as if you are talking to a friend – even more than how you talk to a friend. With a friend, you’re embarrassed to tell him certain things, but with Hashem, you can tell him everything. Tell Him all your thoughts; include Him in everything.

To summarize, we must daven to Hashem about two kinds of thoughts we have. We must daven to Hashem that He help us never forget our positive thoughts of acting to do His will, and we must daven to Hashem to remove from us all thoughts that are not about acting to do His will.

It is not enough to “do” these acts for the sake of doing Hashem’s will. If a person only ‘acts’ for the sake of Heaven –  without speaking to Hashem about help with this – then it’s possible that he might serve Hashem his whole life, yet he still lives his live apart from Hashem!

This is an avodah which needs to be done with careful thought. If a person runs to davening in the morning and he comes five minutes late, and he quickly gets his Tefillin on and just rattles off the morning blessings (usually he’s skipping some of Pesukei D’Zimrah, thinking that he’ll make it up after davening…) then it’s hard to really progress in such a way.

This point is clear. Every person has to get up on time; each person gets up at a different time, but all people have to be on time for davening, and “on time” means to come a little before davening starts. We do not have to prepare a whole hour before davening, like the pious ones of the previous generations; we are not on that level. But we must all make at least the minimal preparations for davening: that we will have the time to be able to think about that we are going to put on Tefillin and daven to the Creator.

When a person has to rush to davening, he is missing menuchas hanefesh (serenity), and it will be very difficult for him to have any spiritual attainments. Rushing is one of the biggest deterrents to our Avodas Hashem. Whatever we are saying here involves reflection and pouring out our heart with Hashem, and it cannot happen in a rushed manner.

When a person merits to speak words of faith in the Creator, words of love toward Him, words about lishmah – he will merit to become closer to the Creator, and he will be connected with Him and attached with Him.