Getting to Know Your Feelings - 015 Low Self-Esteem

Nullifying yourself before others

In this chapter we will deal with the fifth emotion, which is Hodayah (admission). This emotion has the same root as the seventh emotion, Shiflus (lowliness). First we will examine these emotions in a simple sense, and then we will explore them deeper.

What is Hodayah? What is Shiflus?

Hodayah is essentially Bittul (to nullify oneself). When a person admits to another, he is essentially nullifying himself to the other. It could be that he submits to another because of gratitude to that person, or because he is admitting that the other person is wrong. Both are ways of nullifying one’s self to another. “Silence is like admitting”. When a person is silent to another’s claim, he admits to the other, because he nullifies himself to the other. If he doesn’t admit to the other, he will challenge him. This is Hodayah.

Shiflus is also a kind of Bittul. It is to be lowered; someone else nullified and lowered him.

Both admitting to another and being lowered have the same root – Bittul. What is the difference between them?

Hodayah is only toward others. A person can only “admit” to others. Shiflus is toward one’s self. Let us explain.

Reuven tells something to Shimon. Shimon doesn’t agree with Reuven, but he just listens to Reuven anyway, thinking the whole time, “I don’t agree at all with Reuven.” Shimon lacks the emotional energy to tell Reuven, “You are wrong.” He keeps quiet and just nods his head the whole time – not because he is doing it to be nice, but because he doesn’t know how to disagree. This is the negative outcome of Hodayah; it is to admit to another when one lacks the emotional strength to state his real opinion.

There is another negative kind of admitting: Shiflus. This is when a person considers himself to be lowly, and he feels like he doesn’t understand.  It’s normal and okay if a person knows that he knows nothing about his physical body, but it is unhealthy if a person never has an opinion about his own emotions. He always says to the other, “You’re right”, because he doesn’t believe he can ever be right. He lowers his soul in doing so.

Let us examine the difference between these two similar emotions.

In the first kind of negative admitting – Hodayah – the person cannot express what he is thinking. He doesn’t feel like opposing another, even though deep down he disagrees. In the second kind of negative admitting – Shiflus – the person doesn’t even believe in himself. He doesn’t believe that he can have an opinion, and if someone comes and disagrees with him, he is immediately filled with doubt. With Shiflus, it’s not that the person can’t express his opinion; he doesn’t even know what to think, because he is full of doubt.

There is nothing wrong with having doubts. If someone comes and proves to you that you are wrong, you should definitely see how he is right and admit it. But there are ways that this emotion can be unhealthy. This is when a person, because of being proven wrong, loses his very confidence. In such a situation, the person comes to a conclusion that he is incapable of ever understanding something.

We have picked an extreme case, but the point is that admitting to another and feeling lowly is not the same thing.

Too much admitting is a lack of Nitzachon,

Too much lowliness is a lack of confidence