Tefillah - 062 Examining Our Deeds

Staying Away From Cheit\Sin

"סלח לנו אבינו כי חטאנו" – “Forgive us, our Father, for we have sinned.”

A cheit, a sin, is when someone diverges from the goal. Cheit can refer to a sin committed unintentionally (shogeg), or it can refer to a person who misses a goal. It is when a person is distanced from the truth.

In every action, there is an outer and inner layer to it. The outer layer of our actions is what we are allowed to and what we are not allowed to do. The inner layer to our actions is our intention behind it.

Let’s say we are allowed to do a certain action and it is not forbidden by the Torah. Still, what are our intentions behind it? The Chovos HaLevovos writes that any action we do is “either or” - either it is a mitzvah or a sin. Therefore, we always have to know if what we are doing is a mitzvah, or if it is a sin.

Becoming Aware of Our Inner Motivations

But on a deeper note, even in the mitzvos we do, we need to also have the right intentions. This is not just referring to “having in mind for the mitzvah” as we do it. Even as we fulfill all the aspects of the mitzvos according to Halacha, the inner layer of the mitzvah must be in line with the outer layer of the mitzvah; our inner motivations must be on par with what how we are acting on the surface.

Chazal say that Hashem will reward a person regardless, as long as he does the mitzvos. But that is as far as the external aspect of the mitzvah concerns. There will be a separate judgment on the inner layer of the mitzvah: What were the intentions of the person as he did the mitzvah? Even if the mitzvah was done perfectly according to Halachah, this doesn’t always mean that the person’s motivations in it were pure. Often, the intentions in doing the mitzvah are for various, ulterior motivations.

For example, a person is eating matzah on Pesach. Why is he eating? Because it’s a mitzvah. Are there any other reasons why he is eating the mitzvah? Yes, there is another reason involved: because it tastes good. So is the person really eating it to fulfill the mitzvah, or he is eating it because he has a desire for the taste of matzah? He really has both intentions.

But the real issue is: What is his main intention in doing the mitzvah? Which reason here is his primary reason, and which reason is the one secondary one? This is just one example of the idea, but it can be applied to many other cases.

Here is another example. When a person learns Torah, he definitely has some pure intentions. But how much of a percentage of pure intentions does he have when we compare this with the ulterior motivations involved? Is it just a little bit of pure intentions and mostly ulterior motivations?

Living Superficially Vs. Living Truthfully

When a person a superficial kind of life, his main concern is: if a certain action is obligatory, or if it is permitted, or if it is prohibited. If he has a question, he will ask a Rav or someone else who can answer him; he has some Yiras Shomayim (fear of Heaven); he does what he is told to do. It seems like he is living his life in the right way.

But it could very well be that his entire religious observance is sorely lacking - because his various motivations inside are not reflecting the nature of his deeds.

(Here is another example. If a person is asked to be a Rav over a community, and he agrees, is he doing this because he wants to do Hashem’s will? Or is it from other motivations, such as the desire for honor or to have rule over others? There are many personal interests that his will can be coming from. Although he is “doing” Hashem’s will in being a Rav, who says he is doing it from pure motivations? He might just be following his heart’s various inclinations, and it is not coming from a pure place in himself. As time goes on, he might develop various other motives, which had nothing to do with the original reason of why he was sent to be a Rav there…)

Chazal say that in the era preceding Moshiach, truth will vanish[1].  If a person has a bit of inner sensitivity, he can sense how true this is in our days. A person might do a mitzvah and fulfill it perfectly, but the “smell” being given off from his action smacks of some motivation that is not truthful.

The less pure motivations that a person has, he lives a life that is not truthful - even if he has a Rav he listens to and he does all that he is told. He will get rewarded of course for all his mitzvos, but after he gets his reward, he will also get judged for the lack of truth involved in whatever he did…

Of course, a person has to make sure that his actions are in line with Shulchan Aruch, no matter what kind of situation he is presented with. Whatever action we do must be clarified if it is according to Halacha or not.  But there is also an inner world taking place within the actions we do, and we must become aware of it.

Self-Serving Requests In Our Davening

Another example: A person is davening Shemoneh Esrei - what are his intentions as he reads the words? Let’s say he is saying the blessing of ולמלשינים, in which we daven that Hashem should get rid of the slanderers and the wicked. Is he saying this because the wicked people are preventing the reality of Hashem from being revealed onto the world, or he is saying this out of simple hatred for those wicked people, because they just bother him….?

Tzaddikim constantly suspected themselves all their life that maybe their actions were not being done with pure motivations. When they davened, they suspected that maybe they still had some degree of self-interest.

True Yiras Shomayim: Avoiding “Negios” (Self-Interest)

This is the true meaning of someone who has yiras shomayim (fear of Heaven).

To have yiras shomayim is not just to be aware of the actions you do if they are in line with Halacha or not; that is just the beginning of yiras shomayim. The yiras shomayim must continue into what our inner motivations as we do a mitzvah. It is by always suspecting that perhaps there are some “negios” (self-serving interests) that are motivating us. Yiras Shomayim is to be afraid - to be afraid that maybe I am not living my life in a truthful way.

Going Beyond The Superficial Layer of Observance

Chazal say that when in doubt, “make for yourself a Rav (teacher)”. This refers to a doubt that one has in halachah; for example, if you’re not sure where to place your mezuzah, you ask your Rav where to place it on the doorpost. But why does a person have to take a picture of the Rav affixing the mezuzah on his door….

Keeping halacha is the beginning of a Torah life, but it is not everything. We must not remain satisfied with our level just because we keep Halacha. If keeping Halacha is all there is to our Yiddishkeit, what kind of level is our Torah learning at?! We must discern what our personal interests (negios) are, in what we do.

If someone thinks that he always has pure motivations, he is being delusional. A sensible person is someone who is constantly self-aware of what his personal interests are in whatever he does, and he seeks to purify his motivations more and more. He wonders if perhaps he is doing something so he can feel eternal, or because he wants to fuel an argument, and other such motivations that a person can have.

Crying To Hashem For This

A person has to cry to Hashem for success in this, that he should become aware of his personal motivations in why he does any act, and that he should be able to separate himself from the personal interests and purify his motivations are. And the truth is that a person needs to cry to Hashem to succeed in anything, not just this topic we are discussing. A person needs to keep examining himself inside, and along with this, he needs to cry to Hashem for help that he should succeed in having purer intentions in whatever he does.

Going Inward

Here are some more examples of discerning our motivations. Why does a person go to sleep? Is it because he feels tired, or is it because he needs to have strength to serve Hashem better? There is both lishmah and shelo lishmah involved, and one should become aware of both motivations.

A person is learning Torah. Why is he learning? What are his motivations in learning? Even if a person taught Torah to others his whole life and influenced the masses, he might be told in Heaven after 120 that it’s all worthless, because he did it all for himself. Of course, he will get rewarded. But he will be told that he did not live a life of truth, for he did not reach a Toras Emes, a Torah of truth, and he did not reach a truthful connection with Hashem.

Without being self-aware of one’s motivations, a person does things without any thinking, and all he thinks about at best is how to fulfill the Halacha. Even if he fulfills every word of Mishna Berurah, he should remember that it was authored by the Chofetz Chaim, and he is still very far from the kind of life that the Chofetz Chaim lived….

This is a question about how we view our life, how we approach it.

Coming Out of Superficiality

We are living in a generation that is very superficial. Anyone with a little awareness to life can recognize that in the last 15-20 years, there was a big change in our very lifestyle. In the last 15-20 years, the world has undergone a change in lifestyle that seems like we are 100 years later, and it all took place in such a short span of time.

There used to be dikduk hadin (being strictly careful to keep Halacha); there used to be dikduk hamitzvos; and dikduk when it came to matters of kashrus. There are constant “heterim” (Halachis ‘leniences’) that people are very quick to make use of simply because people can’t handle to keeping the exact Halacha. Even in Eretz Yisrael there has been a decline in dikduk hadin, and there are Rabbonim who used to be very exacting with applying dikduk hadin now apply heterim more quickly.

When a person’s inside isn’t matching the actions he does on the outside, there is no way for him to live a correct kind of life. This is true even he fulfills every mitzvah. We have to keep suspecting ourselves that we contain some ulterior motivations of self-interest (negios).

Sometimes a person is standing in Beis Din and he says something slightly disrespectful to the Dayan, and the Dayan can be a little angry deep down at the litigant, and issues a negative verdict on the litigant because he is insulted. Even if the litigant deserved that particular verdict according to the Halacha, it can still be issued out of some negios on the dayan’s part…

It is therefore not enough for a person to learn Torah; he must strive to live a life of a truthful kind of Torah. Life for a Torah Jew these days is not just about avoiding lashon hora. There is much more that we have to avoid. These days, we have to keep away from the current lifestyle, which is very far from the way we stood at Har Sinai. We must live a life in which we search for the truth.

The tzaddikim in previous generations suspected themselves in the previous generations of having negios\self-interests. If this was applicable in the previous generations, how much more so does it apply to our current generation, which is very far from the true way that life is supposed to look like.

We are currently in an exile within exile within another exile. Of course, we must accept this decree of Hashem upon us with love. Indeed, only Hashem can take us out of this exile. But the first thing one must realize, if he searches for truth, is that he needs to separate himself from the current lifestyle and realize that he has nothing to do with this current generation.

Our real life is supposed to be the kind of lifestyle which our Avos and Moshe Rabbeinu lived, the way we stood when we were at Har Sinai. “Remember the day you stood at Har Sinai.” It is not possible for a Jew to live the lifestyle of this generation and also have yiras shomayim at the same time.We must be connected in our heart to the state of standing at Har Sinai. This is through always making sure that we are searching for the truth.

Of course, our body is found here, on this physical world. But in our soul, we do not have to be connected to this world. Our body can live on this world while our soul can remain connected to our inner world.[2]

Checking Our Mitzvos

Taking the concept of “negios” even further, we should also be concerned that our perhaps our actions of mitzvos that we do are also stemming from negios. For example, wven when you put on tefillin, ask yourself if there is some negios involved in this!

This shouldn’t stop you from putting on tefillin or tzitzis, of course; just become aware of the negios in your actions, and be afraid that perhaps maybe everything is stemming from negios, and seek to purify the motivations.

This is what it means to have true Yiras Shomayim, and it will protect you [along with your Torah learning] from ulterior motives of self-interest to and help you reach the truth.

In Conclusion

May we merit the complete redemption, the light of the truth of Hashem, and to experience the pleasantness of being completely attached with Hashem.