Understanding Your Middos - 34 Eliminating Jealousy

The Difference Between Jealousy and Hatred

The fourth middah which comes from the element of water in the soul is kinah (jealousy). The Sages say that a person is able to transform his jealousy of someone into love. This shows us that when a person is jealous of someone, he doesn’t love him.

Being jealous of someone isn’t the same thing as hating him. Hatred comes from the element of earth in the soul, while jealousy comes from the water in the soul. What is the difference between jealousy and hatred? They both don’t love the other person, so why they are not the same thing?

When a person hates someone, he wants to destroy the other person. But when a person is jealous of another, he doesn’t want to get rid of him, he just wants to lower him. That is the difference; we will elaborate on this.

Evil Jealousy and Good Jealousy

There are two kinds of jealousy: evil jealousy, as well as jealousy which is holy and good. The holy kind of jealousy is called kinas sofrim (jealousy of a Torah scholar). What is the difference between regular jealousy and kinas sofrim?

Jealousy is evil when a person it’s personal. Let’s say Reuven is jealous of Shimon, because Shimon is on a loftier level in spirituality than he is. This isn’t kinas sofrim; it’s plain jealousy (even though it is a jealousy for spiritual reasons, that doesn’t make it kinas sofrim!). Why is Reuven jealous of Shimon? It is because in Reuven’s mind, Shimon has taken Reuven’s rightful place. He isn’t really jealous over Shimon’s actual accomplishments; he is simply upset that Shimon is supposed to be lower than him, and he is supposed to be higher than him.

But if Reuven would have kinas sofrim, he would be jealous of Shimon’s actual accomplishment; with such a jealousy, he wants to really be where Shimon is, not to take away Shimon from his place.

The Sages said that there are two people whom no one is jealous of: A father of his son, and a Rebbi for his student. If not for this fact, there would really be a natural jealousy, even for one’s own child or student! This is because it is possible that the father feels like the child is taking his place.

The brothers were jealous of Yosef, because they felt that he was taking away their place. Rochel was jealous of Leah, because when she saw Leah having more children, she felt that Leah had taken her place as Yaakov’s main wife. This is the depth behind jealousy; to feel that the other person has taken my rightful place.

The Mishnah in Avos states that “Kinas sofrim increases wisdom.” Only this kind of jealousy gives wisdom; why? Because with kinas sofrim, a person really wants to be on the other person’s high level – and this inspires him to get there.

But with regular jealousy, the person just wants that the other person should be knocked down from where he is.

Jealousy is rooted in water in our soul. We mentioned earlier that there are two kinds of water in the soul – the Upper Waters, which are good, and the Lower Waters, which are evil. Kinas sofrim comes from the Upper Waters in the soul, while all other jealousy comes from the Lower Waters in the soul. The Lower Waters seek to lower the Higher Waters and to take their place, just like they quarreled on the second day of Creation; that is evil jealousy.

The Snake was also jealous of Adam and Chavah; the Midrash says that he saw them during marital relations and became jealous of their relationship. The snake was the first person to be jealousy – and all jealousy is rooted in the snake’s sin.

The Cause for Jealousy: Feeling that the other is “more”

What is the root of jealousy?

For this, let us examine the brothers’ jealousy of Yosef. Yosef also means to “increase”; this shows us that when a person feels that the other is “more” than him, that results in jealousy. The brothers thought that Yosef that he was taking their rightful place and that he was “more” than them, so they were jealous of him.

Yehuda especially was jealous, because he felt like Yosef was trying to take away his status as king.

The Sages say that “jealousy makes the bones rot.” When a person is jealous and seeks to bring a person down, he himself is brought down. Yehuda, who was mainly responsible for the sale of Yosef as a result of his jealousy, was lowered from his status by the other brothers, after the events took place. Jealousy itself makes a person rot by bringing a person down.

Defining Kinas Sofrim

We need to define kinas sofrim.

Kinas sofrim doesn’t simply mean that one is “jealous” of another’s spiritual achievements. If a person wishes that the other person wouldn’t be better than him, his jealousy of another’s spiritual level is no different than the Snake’s jealousy of Adam and Chavah, who wished to bring them down from their spirituality.

The first way to reach Kinas Sofrim: Emunah

True kinas sofrim that is good is reached either through one’s Emunah, when a person realizes that it is possible for both me and the other person to be on a high level. The person realizes that the other person’s high level is also within his ability, because he believes that everyone can reach such a level.

The second way to reach Kinas Sofrim: Midas Hishtavus

Another way how kinas sofrim can be reached is through what is called midas hishtavus, “equalizing” -- to feel equal with another.

The second way, midas hishtavus, is a deeper method. A father cannot be jealous of his son, and a Rebbi cannot be jealous of his student. Why not? It is because there is an “equalizing” between them. A Rebbi and a student are able to be on the same level, like we see by a “talmid chever”, a “student who is a colleague.” Such a student is, in the Rebbi’s eyes, his equal.

When a person wants to equal with another, he has kinas sofrim with him and he comes wiser. This is the way to eliminate evil jealousy; with this thinking, a person doesn’t want to bring the other person down – he wants to be equal with him.